EvilOMatic 3000
by Galaxy Girl
Summary: It all started when Ganondorf ruined yet ANOTHER of Zelda's inauguration barbecues. His punishment: 2 months with the EvilOMatic brand unevilifying helmet. But of course, it could never go THAT smoothly.
1. The Inauguration Party & Crime And Punis...

Ganondorf and the Evil-O-Matic 3000  
by Galaxy Girl  
  
  
CHAPTER ONE: THE INAUGURATION PARTY  
  
Everyone in Hyrule was very excited. Um... well, maybe not EVERYONE. The Gorons were actually fairly happy, and the Zoras were feeling all right, and the Kokiri were feeling rather average. But almost everyone else in Hyrule was excited!   
Why, do you ask? Because it was the day of the inauguration party.  
Every four years, in order to establish a more "Democratic" government in Hyrule, the Royal Family held elections to be the monarch of their fair land. And every four years, everyone would vote to decide who they wanted ordering them around ceaselessly.   
Unfortunately, because of loopholes in the voting laws and exclusions of most major races from running, every year there was only one candidate: Zelda.  
This year, her campaign was: "VOTE ZELDA. BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CHOICE".   
And since everyone in Hyrule was 1. Very pleased with the way Zelda was running things and 2. Too stupid how to figure out a way around the loophole, she was now entering her 5th term as Princess of Hyrule.   
It was time for the big inauguration bash. Every time she was re-elected, Zelda would hold a big barbecue on the castle grounds to celebrate. EVERYONE who was ANYONE would be there. And it always turned out to be a colorful celebration (for more reasons than one). Because usually, Ganondorf (The only everyone who was anyone that was NOT invited) would always figure out some way to screw it up.   
For her very first inauguration, when she was a 1-year-old, Ganondorf hired a clown to come in and entertain the guests. Unfortunately, Zelda's father the King was deathly afraid of clowns, and he ended up wetting his pants at the table and ruining the upholstered throne.   
For her second inauguration when she was 5 and old enough to know what was going on, Ganondorf replaced the cake with another one, this one including a wild scantily-dressed Gerudo woman. When she popped out of the cake, she caused all of the MEN at the party to wet their pants and ruin the upholstered chairs.  
For her third inauguration, when she was 10 (shortly before the Ocarina of Time), Ganondorf rigged the speakers to play nothing but Duran-Duran for six hours straight.   
For her fourth inauguration at age 15, Zelda had planned an elegant formal dinner inside the great hall. Thinking that Ganondorf couldn't interfere from his new prison, she thought it was safe to give all the castle guards the day off. But Ganondorf ended up escaping that time, and he threw dissected frogs into the Jello salad and made it snow corn flakes.   
This time, Zelda was CONVINCED not to let Ganondorf screw up her inauguration... Since she had allowed him to resume living in Gerudo Valley as long as he crossed-his-heart-and-hoped-to-die he wouldn't do anything evil, she was going to let security rest a little bit.   
  
Zelda stood nervously by the barbecue in her summer outfit, greeting every guest that came to get a hot dog from Impa, wearing a "Kiss the Cook" apron.   
"Impa... I don't know if I should have- HELLO! Welcome! Thanks for voting for me!- let the guards have the day off today... After all, last- Welcome! Please have a good time!- time I did that..."  
"I know, I know," Impa said, rolling her eyes and flipping a hamburger. "But you already made a big enough mistake trusting Ganondorf to stay away. Now all you can do is hope that he decides to keep his word."   
"If he doesn't..." Zelda said quietly but threateningly, "I'm going to do something terrible to him."   
"Zelda! Really!" Impa scolded, serving up a burger to Nabooru. "Making idle threats like that!"  
"Idle threats about who?" asked Nabooru. She was wearing a sport visor over her normal big-jewel thingy and had a Frisbee in her pocket.   
"Ganondorf! I hope he doesn't MESS UP my party like he did last time!" Zelda wailed.   
"Oh, HIM? He's at home, sulking up in his tower." Nabooru laughed. "And please, make all the idle threats about him you want. He deserves it. Stupid ski-jump nose."   
And with that, she threw back her head and sprayed a blast of horseradish and mustard on her burger.   
  
Link sat nervously on his picnic blanket, trying to open one of those dumb little ketchup packets, and watching the castle grounds warily.  
"Link, WHAT are you looking for?" asked Saria, who was munching on a bag of chips next to him. "Ganondorf would be an idiot to try and mess up another inauguration party." Saria was wearing a sunny summer tunic, and a green wide-brimmed hat.  
"Who said anything about Ganondorf? I'm looking for Ruto." Link said warily. He was wearing his sunglasses, and (for a change) some shorts and sandals instead of his tights and boots.  
He surveyed the goings-on of the party. The Gerudos, completely used to the summer heat and not at all used to the grass, were playing volleyball. Most of the Hylian men were watching the Gerudos... and the women were all playing blackjack at a table. The Gorons (sans Darunia who was getting food) were playing Roll-Down-The-Hill-And-Then-Get-Up-Again and Goron Soccer (in which a Goron is actually the soccer ball), and waiting for Impa to finish grilling their rock sirloins. The Kokiri had been granted leave from the forest for the day, and they were all huddled in the corner, scared to death of the Gorons and Zoras.  
And speaking of the Zoras, they were all laying out on towels, trying to get tans, while they took turns hosing each other off from the heat. King Zora was at the end of a long buffet table, where he kept asking people loading up their plates if, "... they are going to eat that? And that? And that? And that?". No sign of Ruto, though.   
Link sighed and took a big gulp of soda, when he heard it: The call of fear:  
"YOOOOOHOOOO! LOVER-BOYYYYYY!"  
He sat up, and spat out every sip of soda he'd had so far (stopping every once and a while to take breaths), and screamed.   
Ruto was at the end of the buffet table, in a hat and sunglasses with a little bit of sunscreen on her nose, waving ecstatically. "I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, SWEETIE! JUST AS SOON AS I FINISH FEEDING THE DAD!" She took another plate of food and threw it at her father, who ate it whole.   
This comment rose a stir of activity from the Hylian women table, where a young lady with red hair in overalls, a baseball cap and a t-shirt threw down her cards, and stood up, looking around. When she saw Link, she snickered, grabbed her poker chips, and said, "Hold my cards for me, girls... I'm going to go get some... meat." And with that Malon began marching towards the empty blanket next to Link.   
Zelda's eyes sprang open when she saw Malon heading across the grounds. "Oh... oh NO SHE DOESN'T! LIIIIINK! SAVE ME A SPOT, HONEY!" she cried, loading a plate with food and scampering across the grass.   
Link looked around frantically. Ruto was coming from the east, and Malon from the west... Zelda was approaching fast from the south.   
"SARIA! SAVE ME!" he shrieked, grabbing her by the shirt.   
"Ow!" she whined. "You made me swallow a chip the wrong way!"   
Link was running out of time... the girls were gaining, and there was no other means of escape, except...  
"DARUNIA, MY MAN!" Link screamed quickly. Darunia, who was looking for a place to sit in the northern part of the grass, span around. "COME AND HAVE A SEAT!"  
"OOH! Don't mind if I do!" Darunia chuckled, racing over to the empty blanket and sitting down just as the other three girls reached it.   
Ruto, Malon and Zelda looked at Darunia. Then at Link. Then at each other. All three of them sighed, and headed back to where they were sitting before.  
Link sighed and popped open another soda. "Darunia buddy, you're always there when I need ya."  
  
A couple hours passed without any sign of the G-meister coming to ruin the party. Zelda, even though she had lost her spot next to Link, was blissfully happy. It was finally time for her inauguration speech!  
"Wish me luck, Impa!" she grinned, grabbing her speech notes and heading up to the microphone.   
Everyone clapped as Zelda stood at the mike, fumbled through her notes, and spoke (after donning a classy pair of glasses).   
"My fellow Hylians!" she said jubilantly. "And Gorons... and Zoras... and Kokiri. I hope you're all having a wonderful time at my soiree!"   
There was mumbling throughout the crowd, followed by a collective, "WHAT!?"  
"Soiree! Throng! Affair! Gala!" she continued. Zelda was met by puzzled looks.   
"Grrr... PARTY!"   
"AAH!"   
She rolled her eyes and continued.   
"As you all know, today is the day that I officially begin my fifth term as your beloved princess and oppressor!" she said. Suddenly, she froze. Was it just her, or did her mike just crackle out?  
Everyone looked puzzled.   
"Um, no, I didn't say oppressor!" she said quickly. "Er, anyway... This term, I plan to raise the wages of the Goron bomb-miners on Death Mountain-"  
All the Gorons cheered happily.   
"... Lower prices for fish and fish-by-products for the Zoras!"   
The Zoras clapped and whistled.  
"... Pay more attention to environmental issues for the Kokiri, provide more air-conditioning service for the Gerudo..."  
The Kokiri and Gerudo celebrated.  
"... and cure the fleas in my underwear drawer!"   
Zelda gasped, and stared at the microphone. She did NOT say that.  
Everyone burst into giggles, and Impa raised her eyebrows at Zelda. "Zelda! You have fleas in your-"  
"No! I don't! Really!" she said quickly. "Someone is messing with my microphone!"  
Everyone looked around confusedly.   
"I hate you all! I wish you all would get lice and scratch until your bald spot was as big as the space between Darunia's ears!"   
Everyone gasped, and Darunia stood up angrily, his face covered in rock-sirloin and barbecue sauce. "ZELDA! TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS BY MY SWORN SISTER?!?!?! HOW DARE YOU! NOW I'M REALLY... REALLY MAD!"  
"DARUNIA! I... I didn't say that!" Zelda shrieked.   
"Ruto's so ugly when she goes to the zoo, she has to buy two tickets- one to get in and one to get out!"   
Ruto gasped, whimpered, and burst into tears. "I do NOOOOT! WAAAAA!"  
"Ruto! Ruto come on, you gotta believe me! I'm not even touching the microphone!" Zelda gasped. "Look! Watch my lips!"  
She stood there silently, and sure enough, her voice continued over the loudspeaker.  
"Hey Link, when are you going to grow up and stop wearing Care Bears underpants?"   
Link gasped in shock and turned bright red. "I... I do not!"   
"Hey everyone, I heard that to earn extra money in the summer, Nabooru loans her pants to the NASCAR guys to use in the car races to slow the cars down at the end!"  
Nabooru's eyes narrowed. "How did you know about- Uh... oops. Um..."  
"Saria poops her pants!"  
"NO I DON'T!" Saria cried indignantly.   
By now, everyone was standing up and searching all over for the perpetrator, who continued blurting out awful insults and terrible secrets about everyone in the audience.  
Except for one person...  
"Her hair is like a silver-polished plate  
Shining bright among all of my treasures!  
She's muscular, fine, so hot she's just divine!  
She's Impa! Embodiment of my pleasures!"  
Impa turned completely red and sunk into a lawn chair near the podium, plugging her ears. "Oh sick, oh sick, oh sick..."  
Suddenly, Impa heard a childish giggle from underneath the podium. She narrowed her eyes, stood up, and kicked the podium, knocking it over to reveal-  
Ganondorf, tampering with the microphone wires and speaking into a voice-changer.   
Impa glared at him, and he stopped giggling immediately and froze with a look of terror on his face.  
Within seconds, everyone at the party had gathered around the podium, staring at Ganondorf with utter hatred in their eyes.  
Except for Zelda. Her eyes were filled with a raw... venom... SEETHING anger.   
"Uh..." Ganondorf muttered uneasily. Then he spoke into the voice changer again. "Uh... great party everyone! Heh heh... heh heh... uh... oh no..."  
  
  
CHAPTER TWO: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT  
  
A few minutes later, the party guests were all inside the castle in the royal Room of Judgement, which hadn't been used in quite a while, considering that there was no judicial system in Hyrule.   
Link and Darunia were holding Ganondorf handcuffed in the center of the room in front of a judge's podium, at which sat Zelda in a white powdered wig and black robe. The party guests, sans Sages were in the stadium-style seats all around, eating popcorn and eagerly awaiting the treat before them.  
The Sages were sitting in the jury seats, glaring at Ganondorf.   
Zelda narrowed her eyes at Ganondorf, and pointed her gavel. "Well. What do you have to say for yourself, hmm? You've ruined yet ANOTHER inauguration party of mine! And for no reason, too! You'd better have a GOOD excuse for this, Ganondorf!"  
"I... er... jeez, I was just kidding around." Ganondorf snapped.   
"KIDDING AROUND?! On this, the most specialest day of my entire life?!?!? MY INAUGURATION!?!?!"  
"You've already been inaugurated FOUR... TIMES! You'd think you'd be used to it now! Or at least you would have learned to invite EVERYONE to your parties, because it's the nice thing to do!" Ganondorf protested.  
"Invite YOU?! You, the King of Evil? The scummiest lowlife on the face of the planet?" Zelda snapped.   
"That's unfair and untrue!" Ganondorf protested again.  
"SILENCE!" Zelda barked, pounding her gavel over and over again. "I, PRINCESS ZELDA OF HYRULE AND REIGNING SOVEREIGN OVER THE LAND OF HYRULE SENTECNE YOU, GANONDORF DRAGMIRE, TO FIFTY BAJILLION YEARS IN PRISON!" she screamed maniacally, causing everyone to gasp in shock and then cheer loudly.  
"HEY! HEY! HEY! You can't do that!" Ganondorf shrieked. "You can't sentence me! You're not a judge! You're a princess!"  
"What a coincidence. The princess is allowed to serve in the role as judge." Zelda said smoothly. "Should I lock you up first for a while? Hmm... I think I will!"  
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" Ganondorf shrieked again. "You can't lock me up! Only a jailer can do that! And you're just a princess and a judge!"  
"What a coincidence," Zelda snickered, pulling a ring of keys off her belt. "I'm also the jailer."  
"I WILL NOT BE THROWN IN JAIL LIKE SOME COMMON CRIMINAL!" Ganondorf cried. "What I did was a stroke of GENIUS! A well-executed plan of MISCHIEF AND TRICKERY! AHAAHHAHA! That's not illegal!"  
"We COULD throw you in jail for trying to take over the world," grumbled Nabooru. "And about a million other things. Brainwashing..."  
"Thievery," Darunia spat.  
"Bribery," Malon added, from the audience.  
"Making our sacred deity sick!" Ruto shouted.  
"Wrongful imprisonment!" Impa added.  
"Murder!" Saria cried, pointing a finger at Ganondorf. "He killed our tree!"  
All the Kokiri cheered.   
"Hey! I did NOT kill the tree!" Ganondorf protested. "HE killed the tree!" He pointed at Link.   
"But I was only trying to undo the curse you put on it with the intention of killing it, isn't that right, Dragmire?" Link snickered.  
"... I'm taking the fifth amendment on that." Ganondorf said pompously.  
"OK, how about being an evil, cruel, mean, and overall sadistic bastard? Does that work?" Link shot back.  
"GUILTY AS CHARGED!" Ganondorf laughed wickedly.  
"They have a point you know..." Zelda said, scratching her chin. "And I say... that we... EXECUTE HIM!"  
"YAAAAY!" cheered everyone.  
"WHAAAAAT!?" Ganondorf shrieked, jumping up. Darunia and Link both pushed him onto his knees again. "What!? I was only- You can't- I was trying to- What I mean is-"  
"So what'll it be, hanging, arrow firing squad, or BEHEADING!?" Zelda giggled maliciously.   
"Hey! You can't execute me!" Ganondorf shrieked. "You're not an executioner! You're only the princess, the judge, and the jailer!"  
"What a coincidence," Zelda snickered, pulling on a black mask. "I'm also the executioner. SOMEONE BRING OUT THE GUILLOTINE! This is gonna be a BLAST!"  
The whole audience cheered, and Link raised his hand. "OOH! Zelda, can I get his cape?"  
"Sure, why not?" she said, opening a closet and pulling out a guillotine.   
Ganondorf was sweating. "Hey man, really! Let's talk this over now... PLEASE?!?! COME ON! Don't kill me! I didn't do anything THAT BAD!!?! PLEASE?!?! HAVE MERCY, SOMEBODY!"  
Suddenly, someone whistled for silence and stepped forward.   
Everyone shut up.   
And who else but Rauru- the wisest and crankiest of the Sages, and last of the Baby Boomer generation of Sages- stepped forward! He was in his nightshirt, and he was wearing a guacamole mask and has his thinning hair all up in curlers.  
"YOU LOUSY KIDS!" he snapped, "HERE I WAS IN THE SACRED REALM, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS AND TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP, WHEN YOU ALL START SCREAMING ABOUT SOME STUPID EXECUTION! IN MY DAY, WE DIDN'T YELL ABOUT EXECUTIONS, WE JUST DID THEM AND THEN WENT OUT FOR COFFEE!"  
Everyone was silent. He stared around, and then saw Ganondorf, pleading for mercy as Darunia stuck him in the guillotine.   
"Oh, it's you, huh?" he sputtered. "I was wondering when they'd turn you in and give you the old one-two." He motioned cutting off his head with his hand.  
"OH COME ON RAURU! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!?!?" Ganondorf wailed. "PLEASE! CONVINCE THEM TO HAVE MERCY ON ME! ALL I DID WAS PLAY A PRANK!"  
Rauru groaned, looked back and forth from Ganondorf's pitiful puppy face to Zelda, still in her black mask, joyfully exercising her guillotine-pulling arm.   
"Oh brother," he said, rolling his eyes.  
"YES?!" asked Darunia.  
"Not you. All right, all right. I got an idea," he said. "That's better than killing him."  
"WOOHOO!" Ganondorf cheered.  
"It's not any better for you," Rauru snickered. "I don't appreciate you stealing my ancient sacred relic right out from under my feet.  
Ganondorf's joyful look sank, and Zelda's upset look lightened up.  
"I'm a faithful subscriber to 'Cranky Old Geezer Monthly' magazine... and every couple months they send me the 'Senile Ancient Clod' catalogue of general youth-deterring products. Last month, I saw a particularly INTERESTING product in there." He pulled a rolled-up catalogue out of his pocket.  
Zelda and Link both grinned wickedly and put their hands together in anticipation. Ganondorf turned completely white.  
"What... what was it?!" said all three of them at once.  
"It was this interesting product called the Evil-O-Matic 3000..." Rauru explained. "Looks like a cute little headgear appliance. We plug it into Dorfy's head here... and then the fun starts."  
Ganondorf turned even paler.  
Rauru handed Zelda the catalogue, which had the Evil-O-Matic 3000 circled in red ink.  
"It's a non-lethal device. But it's meant to turn evil, cruel, sadistic, and overall mean bastards into productive members of society. Every time Ganny here has a nasty thought or starts to say or do something evil, he gets punished. How, I'm not sure. Maybe he gets an electric shock. Maybe he's forced to listen to an episode of Barney 50 times in a row. Maybe he has to do the Charleston for everyone in the room. Might even make him turn all the money in his pockets into the nearest charity bin. Horribly humiliating for him. Hilarious for us." Rauru continued.   
Zelda scratched her chin. "Intriguing... VERY intriguing..."  
Link giggled maniacally.  
Saria smiled.  
Darunia nodded quickly.  
Ruto laughed.  
Impa grinned.  
Nabooru ran her fingers together and said, "Eeeeeexcellent..."  
"Well then. It's settled. I'll order your new toy on rush delivery to be delivered tomorrow, Ganondorf." Rauru smiled. "Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." He marched back off towards the Sacred Realm, calling, "I'll have the mailman leave the package on your doorstep, Zelda."  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ganondorf squealed pathetically. "OH FOR THE LOVE OF IMPA, PLEASE!"  
"Don't use that expression," Impa growled.  
"PLEASE! IF YOU HAVE ANY MERCY IN THAT WARM HEART OF GOLD OF YOURS ZELDA! DON'T MAKE ME WEAR THAT... THAT THING!" Ganondorf shrieked. He struggled out of Darunia's grip and raced over to the guillotine, sticking his head in the hole. "HERE! HERE! I CHANGED MY MIND! KILL ME! KILL ME! EXECUTE ME! ANYTHING BUT COMMUNITY SERVICE!"  
"I changed my mind too..." Zelda grinned. "I'm gonna enjoy watching you sweat. You're going to wear this Evil-O-Thingy, and you're going to stay in the castle with Impa and me for TWO... MONTHS. AHAHAHAHAHA!"   
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!" Ganondorf protested. "That's cruel and unusual punishment! No judge, jailer, OR executioner can do that!"  
"Yeah, but a PRINCESS can. And I am, after all, first and foremost a PRINCESS." Zelda chuckled, removing her black mask.  
"NOOOO!" Ganondorf wailed pathetically. A troop of Hylian guards ran over and grabbed his flailing form, dragging him off to the dungeons. "WAIT!" he cried. "And Zelda... what happens if I DO last two months with the thing on?"  
"Then... I'll let you take it off." Zelda said simply. "And maybe something else. Depends on how much fun you are to watch."  
"Good grief, you're wicked." Ganondorf scolded, shaking his head at Zelda.  
"Oh no, Ganondorf sweetie. YOU are. That's why this is so fun!" Zelda grinned.   
Ganondorf sunk into a heap and the guards dragged him off to the dungeon.  
Link snickered. "Good call, Zelda."  
Zelda stood back up on her podium, and nodded. "Court dismissed," she said. "Oh, and... LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE HYLIAN JUSTICE SYSTEM!"  
"WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone screamed.   
"SHUT UUUUUUUP!" Rauru shouted from the Sacred Realm.  
Everyone immediately hushed.  
"Let's hear it for the justice system!" Zelda whispered.  
"Woooohooooooooooooo!" 


	2. The Evil-O-Matic & The Accident!

CHAPTER THREE: THE EVIL-O-MATIC  
  
  
The next day, the Room of Judgement was again alight with activity. There wasn't another trial going on: A package had arrived for Zelda from the Senile Ancient Clod catalogue, a division of Cranky Old Geezer magazine, 9999 W. Sea-Bond St. Walla-Walla WA, 98765.  
Inside, was an adorable metal silver and pink helicopter beanie with a matching remote control... The Legendary Evil-O-Matic 3000!   
The remote included five settings for nice-ness standards. "Average Joe", "Nice Nancy", "Good Karma Karl", "Children's TV Show Star", and the ultimate setting... "The Pope". On the back of the remote was the list of punishments... "Electric Shock", "Charity Donations", "Banging Head Into the Wall", "Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness", and the deadly "Ye Olde Song and Dance".   
  
"'While using the Evil-O-Matic, please keep in mind these three handy rules...'" Impa read from the manual.  
"And we just plug this in... there! All done!" Zelda said, grinning.   
"I look like an idiot in this!" Ganondorf whined, tapping the silvery pink helmet.   
"Sorry, Ganny-Poo. Rules are rules!" she snickered.  
"This isn't a rule! It's your demented idea of a punishment!" Ganondorf growled. "What kind of Democratic government is THIS?!"  
"It's a constitutional monarchy, you dolt." Zelda shot back. "And no where in the constitution does it say I can't punish you like this."  
"All I did was pull a prank! Nobody has a sense of humor anymore these days! JEEZ!"   
"... '1. The Evil-O-Matic is activated when and ONLY when its wearer says or thinks something bad, as judged by the setting you have placed it on.'" Impa continued.  
"I REFUSE to wear this on the grounds of you don't have the power to make me wear it!" Ganondorf whined.  
"I'm the Princess of Hyrule! You're only the King of the Gerudos! I have more power than you, so I can do whatever I want!" Zelda shot back.  
"You heard the woman, Ganon-dork." Link smiled smugly from across the room.   
"OOH! What a creative nickname! Did you think that up all by yourself?" Ganondorf cooed stupidly.   
"Shut up!" Link snapped.   
"And by the way, what are you doing here ANYWAY?" Ganondorf whined. "You don't live here!"  
"I invited him over to see the aftermath of the Evil-O-Matic!" Zelda giggled maniacally.   
"... '2. In order to manually punish the wearer, press the handy red button on the back of the remote control,'" Impa read.  
"Come on Impa, we know how it works!" Zelda whined.   
"I ALWAYS read the manual!" Impa snapped. "'Last, but most importantly, Rule #3... NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THE WEARER TO...'"  
Link interrupted her. "Whatever, whatever! Just turn the thing on already!"   
Impa rolled her eyes. "Fine."  
"Prepare to suffer, you barbecue-crashing creep!" Zelda shouted as she flipped the switch into the ON position. "Let's start on... 'Good Karma Karl'... and... 'Electric Shock'!"   
The spinny doo-dad starting spinning, and Ganondorf scowled.   
"Woo, what a big- YAAAAAAH!" he screamed, as he was shocked with a minor pulse of electricity. "OW! WHAT THE- YAAAAAAAAAH! This really- YAAAAAAAAH!"  
Zelda and Link burst out laughing. Impa smiled weakly.   
"That is too FUNNY!" Zelda howled with laughter.   
"I can't even- YAAAAAAAAH!" Ganondorf shrieked, grabbing his head in pain.   
"You'd better stop thinking nasty thoughts, pal." Link smiled.   
Ganondorf dropped to his knees and starting screaming, "PUPPY DOGS! KITTY CATS! PINK FRILLY PILLOWS! BRIGHT CHRISTMAS PACKAGES TIED UP WITH STRING! RAINDROPS ON ROSES! AAAAAAA- ahhhh..."  
The buzzing stopped. Ganondorf sighed in relief and crossed his arms smugly. "Ha! That wasn't so bad, you stupid- YAAAAAAAAAH!"  
Link and Zelda howled with laughter, slapping their knees and crying with mirth. Impa merely rolled her eyes. "That's a bit sadistic!" she said disapprovingly.  
"Aw, come on Impa! Think of the Shadow Temple he trapped you inside... the zombies... the mummies... the bats and the flaming skulls and the evil shadow creatures..." Zelda said mystically.  
"And the drumming! That hellishly annoying drumming!" Link added. "BOOM- bum, bum, bum... BOOM- bum, bum, bum..."  
Impa scowled and then a smile crept onto her face. "Yeah... the drumming... Lemme see that remote, Zelda."   
Impa clicked up the punishment button to "Ye Olde Song and Dance".   
"Wha- What are you doing?" Ganondorf said quickly. "SONG AND DANCE?! NOT THAT! PLEASE! Come on, it wasn't THAT bad! Think of that big cool boat thingy! Please? Don't you dare, you miserable..."  
The helicopter beanie started to spin and Ganondorf froze. "Oh... no... not..."  
Suddenly, his cheeks got rosy and his evil smirk grew into an adorable grin. Ganondorf began a Vaudeville-style tap dance routine, complete with song.   
"I love to sing-a! About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a! I love to sing-a! About skies of blue-a and tea for two-a!"   
Impa laughed so hard she almost cried. "OH MAN THAT IS SO FUNNY!"   
"IIIIIIII LOVE-A TO, IIIIII LOVE-A TO SIIIIIIIIIIING!"   
Catching her breath, Impa mercifully turned down the punishment to "Bang Head Into Wall" and handed the remote to Link.  
Link studied the buttons and scratched his chin. "Man... it's so hard to pick!"  
Ganondorf stopped his singing and collapsed onto his knees in humiliation, clutching his head. Must... not... think evil thoughts... He thought to himself. Look at them! They love this... I won't give them pleasure from my embarrassment! They will suffer a quick and terrible death at my hands when I get this helmet off! And Impa... ooooooh, Impaaaaa... "AAACCK!"  
He jumped to his feet, proceeded to the wall, and started banging his head into it. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!!! NO MORE! NO MORE! I'LL NEVER DO ANYTHING EVIL AGAIN! AAAAGGGGHHHHHHHH... LET IT END NOW! I'M STILL UP FOR EXECUTION! BEHEAD ME! PLEAAAAAASSE... AGGGGGGH!"  
Impa raised an eyebrow. "Man, I almost feel bad for him."  
"Don't!" Zelda said simply. "He's a butthead."   
"In more ways than one," Link smiled, watching as Ganondorf BUTT-ed his HEAD into the wall. (Groan and roll eyes accordingly)  
"But still!" Impa said, with a hint of pity. "No one should have to suffer like THAT. And he really didn't do anything THAT BAD."   
Ganondorf looked up at Impa with a look of absolute gratefulness. "You tell 'em, my beautiful- YAAAAAHHHHH!"  
Zelda had turned the knob back to electric shock. "Shut up about my nanny!"   
Impa marched over to her and snatched the remote away. "Zelda, I'm going to have to say no to this. You can't sit here and watch him like he's putting on a show for you, or like he's some kind of animal. I don't care if he is the Evil King, that's just terrible."  
"But Impa!" Zelda wailed.  
"You can change the settings ONCE every day. But after that, you leave him about his own business! You put him to work, didn't you?" Impa asked sternly.  
"He's... he's our personal servant for a couple months, Impa." Zelda said quietly. "He gets to make your and my beds, and cook our dinners and stuff."  
"WHADDYA, NUTS?!" Link gasped. "He'll kill you the first chance he gets!" "No I won't! All I did last time was play a stupid joke, and look where that got me!" Ganondorf snapped from his position on the floor.   
"We want to punish him, not kill him with embarrassment!" Impa snapped. "Yeah..." Ganondorf agreed weakly.   
"You shut up!" Impa said. "Don't get any ideas! I'm just standing up for you on the grounds of natural rights!"   
Ganondorf scrambled to his feet, and Impa handed Zelda back the remote. "Set it for 'Children's TV Show Star' and 'Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness'. And then leave him alone," Impa said.  
"You tell her, my beautiful, delicious, SENSUOUS Sheikah goddess of love..." Ganondorf cooed smoothly.  
Impa stole the remote back from Zelda and pressed the Manual Punish button on the back.   
"EEEEEYAAAAAHHH- OH! WHAT A HEAVENLY DAYYYY! I LOVE IT SO!" Ganondorf cooed.  
"Don't say ANYTHING like that EVER again!" Impa growled at him, stomping out of the room.   
Link shrugged at Zelda and watched Ganondorf pitifully, as the great green evil king did a little dance.  
"That's just sad," he said.   
"No kidding... I think I'm going to get sick of this sooner than I thought." Zelda replied.  
Link nodded. "Sure, it's funny, but it's also a little depressing to see our greatest enemy sink to... THIS level."  
"A DREAAAAAM... IS A WIIIIIISH- YOUR HEART MAAAAAAKES!"   
"All right, all right, that's enough." Zelda said, pressing the Manual Punish Stop button just below the first one. "Go and iron my clothes. And do a good job, or we get to see some more of that good ol' Ganondorf Vaudeville."  
"Yes, your highness..." Ganondorf snarled, stomping out the door, beanie-copter whizzing. "... and your ugliness... and your..." BLZZZT! "OW! THE HIIIILLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE WITH THE SOUND OF MUUUUUSIC!"  
  
-MONDAY  
  
Dawn spread its scarlet arms across the sky the next morning, Ganondorf's official first day in indentured servitude under Zelda and the pink helicopter beanie. The pleasant beams of light struck across the sky, and pierced through Zelda's window, gently nudging her awake.  
"OWWW! SUN... BURNING... MY EYES!" she whined, sitting up. Zelda cleared her throat. "Ahhh... Imp- Oh wait! That's right..." she remembered, rubbing her hands together maniacally. "Ganny-Poo is working for us now..."  
She reached over to her beside table and rang a small silver bell daintily. "Oh Ganondorf!" she cried sweetly. "Ganny-Poo!"  
Zelda waited for several minutes, and when Ganondorf failed to show up, she rang the bell again, a little harder. "GANONDORF!" she screamed.   
20 minutes later, Zelda was growing very impatient. She was starting to sweat and stain her pink silk pajamas. "GANONDOOOORF!" she shrieked.   
"ZELDA!" someone yelled from the floor below.   
"WHAAAT?" Zelda whined. "NO ONE'S COME TO GIVE ME MY COFFEE YET!"  
"ZELDA!" the voice repeated.   
"IMPA, WHERE'S GANONDORF? I'VE HAD TO YELL FOR HIM THREE TIMES!" Zelda yelled back to the voice.  
"ZELDA, COME HERE!" The voice echoed again. It was Impa.   
Groaning, Zelda stood up, threw on a pair of slippers, and stomped out of her bedroom through the drafty castle to the floor below.  
"I can't believe I'm running through the castle IN MY UNDERWEAR at 6:00 in the morning!" she wailed, throwing open the door to Impa's private suite. "Impa, why are you-"  
She froze in disbelief of what she was seeing.   
Impa sat in her bed, wearing her nightdress, firmly tied to the posts. A piping hot tray of ultra-deluxe breakfast stood next to the bed. The entire room had a fresh coat of Sheikah-purple paint, all the rugs had been dusted out, and Ganondorf was hopping back and forth from the tray of food to the foot of the bed, where he was massaging Impa's feet. In one hand he had a coffeepot which he used to completely refill Impa's coffee after a mere millimeter or so had been evaporated into steam or cooled in temperature.   
"Ganondorf..." Zelda said slowly. "What... in the name of the Sages... are you doing?"  
"Catering to her every whim, of course!" Ganondorf said brightly.   
"HE TIED ME TO THE BED!" Impa squealed.  
"That's because I knew if you caught me in your room you'd back kick me into the door, break off both my arms and beat me to death with them." Ganondorf replied cheerfully.   
"WAIT A SEC WAIT A SEC!" Zelda snapped. "I screamed for you THREE TIMES, Ganon-Dork! Why didn't you come!?"   
"Because I'm busy!" Ganondorf said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I detect a milliliter or so of 103 degree coffee in that 104 degree cup..." He poured out the entire cup and refilled it.   
"Look, bub! I'M the Princess! You can cater to Impa all you want, but when I call for you, you'd better get your shiny green @$$ up there and wait on me!" Zelda hissed.  
"I wait on IMPA because at least she's nice to me. YOU, on the other hand, were the one making me dance around like a trained monkey yesterday!" Ganondorf said snootily.   
"But I made you sing!" Impa retorted.   
"I don't care, my love!" Ganondorf sighed happily. "Anything to make you smile!"  
Impa rolled her eyes disgustedly.   
"You untie her THIS INSTANT!" Zelda shrieked indignantly.   
"Why don't you make me, you- AAGGGGHHHHHHH!" Ganondorf howled, as the Evil-O-Matic kicked in. "Oh! Gladly, my fair and honorable princess of beauty!"   
He untied Impa merrily, while singing a medley of songs from "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat".   
"And anything else, my beautiful lady?" Ganondorf giggled, blinking like a cherub of some sort.  
"Yeah. Go get me some coffee and a fried egg." Zelda snorted, as the Evil-O-Matic's punishment began to wear off.   
"Certainly." Ganondorf scowled, walking out of the room. "Up yours, you- YAAAAAA! Hee hee hee! LALALALALALALA!"  
Impa stood up, dusted herself off, and threw the ropes off of her bed. "What a psycho!" she said, rolling her eyes. "It's only been 12 hours and he's already starting to creep me out."   
"That was... weird..." Zelda said, scratching her head. "How come Ganondorf didn't get reprimanded by the Evil-O-Matic for tying you up? That's definitely not a normal thing to do. And last night I upped the setting to 'The Pope'."   
"He shouldn't have been able to do that..." Impa agreed. "But the coffee was pretty good... lots of cream, lots of sugar, just how I like it..."  
"We have to look into this!" Zelda said. "He may have already figured out some loophole in the Evil-O-Matic..."  
"This could be a huge corporate scam!" Impa gasped.   
"Or he could just have such a messed up brain the dumb thing broke," Zelda shrugged. "I'm hungry. Let's go order the singing dancing cherub to make us some French toast."  
  
-TUESDAY  
  
Zelda was up at the crack of dawn once again, suspiciously listening for sounds of Ganondorf painting Impa's room again. After a half-an-hour stakeout, she gave up and rang the little silver bell again.   
"Dare I even ask... GANONDORF!" she screamed.   
Seconds later, he shot into her room. "Yes?"   
"THAT'S better," she said, smiling. "Could you go and get me a cup of coffee, no cream, lots of sugar?"  
"Of course. Would you like spit with- AAAAAAH!" Ganondorf retorted, twitching as another electric shot got him.   
"Save the sarcasm, your stupidness." Zelda snapped. "And get me a Nutra-grain bar, too!"   
"Anything else..." Ganondorf mumbled angrily. "Your sadisticness- (click) OWW!"  
That click was the sound of Zelda turning the knob over to "Overall Excruciating Niceness and Cuteness".  
"I mean- WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING ELSE, YOUR HIGHNESS?" he screamed quickly.  
"Mm... let me think..." Zelda pondered, scratching her chin. "How about some fine Termanian blintzes?"  
"What, are you NUTS?!" Ganondorf snarled. "Those are a delicacy! They take over SIX HOURS TO MAKE! I'm not getting ANYTHING like that for you, you stupid- YAAAAAAAAAH!"   
Zelda smiled. "What was that you were saying?"  
"Anything for you, princess!" Ganondorf grinned. "After all, you are the greatest ruler Hyrule has ever seen and that is certainly proved by your kindness in letting me work here and..."  
"My unmade breakfast is getting co-ooooold..." Zelda warned.  
Ganondorf blushed and pursed his lips innocently. "Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry, your majesty! I'll get your breakfast immediately!"  
He scampered out of the room, giggling like a schoolgirl.  
  
CHAPTER FOUR: THE ACCIDENT   
  
SUNDAY-  
  
Zelda was dressed and she and Impa were out in the courtyard beginning their daily croquet practice.   
"And... swing!" Impa instructed. "Excellent job, Zelda!"   
"OWW! My wrists hurt!" Zelda whined, rubbing them gently.   
"That's because I already told you, your stance is wrong."   
"It is? Then... how do I do it?" she asked.   
"Like this," Impa replied, demonstrating.   
"Oh... OK... hey! I can't aim at all like this!" she griped.   
"All you need is some practice." Impa said soothingly. "Now... what can you practice on?" She looked around the courtyard quickly.  
"Oh, there's something!" Zelda grinned wickedly. She pointed at Ganondorf, who was washing windows.   
"... Uh..." Impa stuttered.  
"HEY! GANONDORF!" Zelda shrieked.  
"You rang?" Ganondorf yelled back.  
"C'mere a sec!" Zelda shrieked again.  
"Oh no! Zelda, you can't!" Impa groaned, rolling her eyes.  
"I can and I want to!" Zelda said snootily as Ganondorf arrived at their sides.  
"What?" he asked. Then he saw the croquet mallet. "Up for a game?"  
"Not exactly..." Zelda grinned mischievously. "Stand right there."  
"... I don't like the sound of that!" Ganondorf wailed.  
"Do it, come on!" Zelda whined.   
Ganondorf sighed and stood "right there".   
Zelda set down her croquet ball and prepared to give it a whack.  
"WHOA! YOU'RE AIMING RIGHT AT ME!" Ganondorf shrieked. "WHAT THE HEL- EEEYAAAAIIIII!" he stopped in mid-sentence as the Evil-O-Matic sensed the dirty word.   
His hand slid deep into his pocket and pulled out a 20 Rupee piece, and he threw it at Impa jerkily. "Keep... the... change..." he murmured blankly.   
Impa caught it, wiped it off with her shirt, and snickered. "I could get used to that..."   
Ganondorf scowled as his 20 went into Impa's purse, and he muttered something to himself. "Stupid da- EEEYAIIII!"  
Another trip into his pocket, and another 20 Rupees, this time at Zelda. "Better watch what you say, Ganny-Poo..." Zelda giggled.  
"For pete's sake, turn it off that setting!" Ganondorf barked. "I worked long and hard to steal that- AIEEEE!"  
Zelda quickly flipped the remote switch to "Electric Shock".   
"There! You happy now?!" she snapped. "Now hold still!"  
"I... I don't want to!" Ganondorf wailed.  
"Do it!" Zelda snapped again.  
Ganondorf stood up straight as a board, and Zelda pulled back her mallet, let it down with a mighty WHACK, and...  
BONK!  
"AAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"   
"OOH! Ouch!" Impa winced.  
"Man... right in the family jewels!" Zelda commented, scratching her chin. "Just where I was aiming!"  
Ganondorf collapsed to his knees, turning blue, clutching the recently hit "family jewels", and trying not to cry. He had to bite his tongue to keep this from slipping out:   
"G@# D&$&%*! THAT F&%*^*&$ BALL HIT ME IN THE F&%&#*%^ CROTCH! OH... OH %&*@* THE F&%*%*^& PAIIIIIN!"  
It's kind of gruesome to think what the Evil-O-Matic would to with THAT. "Ganondorf? You OK?" asked Impa.  
"MMPPHHH..." he squelched.   
"Ganny-dork? You all right?" Impa repeated. "Do you need an ice pack?"  
"MMPPHHH..." he squelched again.  
Finally, the pain was too much for the King of Evil...  
"Ganondorf! Answer the woman!" Zelda snapped.  
He fell down onto his side and from his green lips burst the loudest  
profanity ever heard in Hyrule, HECK, the loudest profanity ever heard in ANY video game!   
"F##############################################&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!"  
  
Zelda gasped and clasped her hand over her mouth. Impa jumped back, startled.   
  
The Kokiri children all suddenly demanded the Deku Sprout tell them what that word meant...  
The Gorons all looked up from their busy bomb-flower mining work and winced...  
The Zoras all poked their heads up from under the water, utterly shocked...  
The Gerudo all stopped beating up a crowd of traveling men and gasped...  
And the rest of the Hylians just froze in place.   
There was silence throughout the land of Hyrule.   
And then the silence was broken by some other sound... A terrible, horrible sound...   
"... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"   
And simultaneously, a huge "BLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!"  
And several minutes later, all was silent again.   
  
Ganondorf lay unconscious on the ground, his hair and eyebrows singed crispy from the electrocution. Every few seconds he would twitch convulsively.   
Zelda stared at him in awe and stepped over towards him, poking him with her shoe.   
Impa just gasped and glared wide-eyed at Zelda.   
"Wow... I didn't know it could do THAT!" Zelda giggled.  
"You killed him!" Impa shrieked.   
"Did not! He's still alive! Just... badly injured." Zelda grinned. "Man... that'll teach Ganny-Poo to mess up my barbecue!"  
"We'd better get him inside..." Impa said quietly.   
"Yeah, yeah, OK..." Zelda murmured nonchalantly, placing another croquet ball in the grass and smacking it through the nearest stained-glass window. "WOW! This shot is GREAT Impa! National Championship, here I come!"   
  
WEDNESDAY- TWO WEEKS LATER  
  
"Impa! Miss Impa! I think he's waking up!" the nurse called.   
Impa rushed into the room, carrying a spatula from Zelda's unfinished breakfast and wearing her Kiss The Cook apron.   
"Really?"  
"Yes, look! He's moving his hand!" the nurse said again, pointing excitedly at the King of Evil.  
Ganondorf had been in comatose for three days and two weeks. Impa was upset because his punishment had been to serve the princess, not to be injured and/or killed. And Zelda and Link were upset because it was making them miss out on more entertaining Ganondorf servitude.  
"Ughh..." he groaned.   
"Zelda! Link! He's waking up!" Impa called.  
Link and Zelda rushed into the room, both carrying heaping piles of get-well-soon cards, balloons, and teddy bears. Link was crying.  
"OH! Finally!" he wailed. "Finally, he's awake!"  
"Let the servitude commence!" Zelda grinned maniacally.  
Impa scowled at both of them. "YOU TWO! Really! To show such a lack of caring towards this poor, almost dead man! All you care about is ordering him around some more!"  
"He's our greatest enemy, for cryin' out loud!" Zelda snarled. "We can be upset that he's not working for us!"  
"... who?" Ganondorf murmured.   
"Are you all right?" asked Impa.   
"Ooh... dear me, I've never had such a shock in all my life! What could have caused it, I wonder?" he said in an English accent.  
All three of his visitor's mouths dropped wide open.  
"Ooh! Gifts! Why thank you ever so much, but Alas! I cannot accept them, as I am currently out of thank-you cards and ink..." Ganondorf continued.   
"Did he... just say THANK YOU?" Link gasped in shock.   
"What the HECK!?" Zelda snapped. "What happened!? He's supposed to be a despicable toad!"  
"Who, me? Why your highness, I had no idea you felt that way! I present you with my sincerest, humblest apologies for anything I have done in the past to have insulted you in any way. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"  
Zelda was speechless.  
"Ah, and you Link, my boy..." Ganondorf said, patting his nemesis on the back. "A fine young fellow you are indeed! What a fool I was to cause so much trouble for you! My most sincere apologies, good sir. I can only hope that in the future, you will grace me with your strong, courageous presence for coffee or pastries."   
Link chuckled nervously and dropped the whole pile of get-well gifts.   
"And Impa... Ah! Impa, the name of the sweetest flower in the meadow! Blessed be the tree that gave the wood to make your cradle, my sweet... In your silver hair the moon does reflect, and the sparkling of amethyst speaks to me from your eyes! A fairer creature than you has yet to be born on this earth! Compared to a woman as beautiful as yourself, even the fair goddess Din is shamed and forsaken!"  
Impa dropped the spatula and stood there, mouth hanging open. But when Ganondorf asked permission to kiss "the hand of the great Shadow Sage and Sheikah goddess of beauty herself", she screamed, "ALL RIGHT! WHERE'S THE INSTRUCTION GUIDE TO THE EVIL-O-MATIC?"  
  
As Ganondorf composed sonnets about the sunrise, Impa, Zelda and Link consulted the instruction guide to the Evil-O-Matic to find out what had happened.  
"I don't get it! He's so... sophisticated!" Zelda snapped. "He's supposed to be a horrible monster! How are Link and I supposed to have any fun if he's being NICE?!"  
"He apologized! TO ME! He hates me! And he invited me over for coffee and pastries! Something is SERIOUSLY wrong!" Link pondered.  
"Oh no..." Impa gasped, skimming over a page in the instruction guide.  
"What?" asked Zelda, peeking over her shoulder.  
It was the three handy rules page...  
"The rules? What does that have to do with anything? We know the rules!" Link snapped.  
"You never let me finish Rule #3..." Impa said. "And Rule #3 is...  
'The Evil-O-Matic is guaranteed to help you discipline those nasty overall mean and sadistic bastards in your life. It is also guaranteed not to have any adverse effects, except for the said bastard to keep away from you for awhile. BUT: Remember, NEVER, EVER, EVER, NEVER, EVER ALLOW THE WEARER TO SUSTAIN A HEAD INJURY AS CAUSED BY A SEVERE ELECTRIC SHOCK! This may short out the circuits on the Evil-O-Matic, and cause the wearer's brain to be warped into a despicably cute, charming, sophisticated man about town. Of course, you may be aiming for that, but keep in mind, in 99 out of 100 cases of this, the effects are PERMANENT.'"  
"The electric shock!" Zelda gasped.  
"It shouldn't have been on so high that it shorted out the machine! What setting did you have it on?" asked Impa.  
"Uh..." Zelda whispered quietly.  
"What setting?" Link demanded.  
"... the Pope..."   
"THE POPE!?!?!" Link and Impa shrieked.   
"I was getting sick of his arguing!" Zelda said desperately.   
"Well great job Zelda, now we may have to put up with THAT forever!" Link snapped, pointing at Ganondorf, who was on one knee composing sonnets.  
"I think that I shall never see, a thing as lovely as a tree!" Ganondorf recited.   
"Is there any cure?" Zelda asked quickly.   
Impa flipped through the index, and then her face lit up. "AHA! It says, 'Your only chance to reverse the effects of a head injury on the wearer is to cause another severe electric shock with the Evil-O-Matic. Unfortunately, everyone knows that despicably cute, charming, sophisticated men about town NEVER do anything bad enough to get the Evil-O-Matic to shock them again.'"   
The trio gazed hopelessly at Ganondorf, who was now performing his own improvised tap dance rendition of "Puttin' On The Ritz".   
"Well, screw that!" Link said, "I'm pulling off this headpiece and getting this over with NOW!" He stomped over to Ganondorf and prepared to rip off the pink helmet.  
"NOOO!" Impa squealed. "It says in here that the worst thing you could do is take off the helmet! That will seal off his real brainwaves and replace them with the brainwaves induced by the Evil-O-Matic!"  
Link and Zelda sat silent for a moment, and Ganondorf looked up at Link and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you have any Grey Pupon?"   
"In... ENGLISH, please?" Zelda said sweetly.   
"It means that if you take off the helmet, it'll basically wipe out Ganondorf's brain and replace it with the Evil-O-Matic's!"   
"Well THAT would suck. A singing, dancing Ganondorf is a little sickening." Link said, immediately backing away from Ganondorf, who had decided to explain the symbolism of Ernest Hemingway's "The Old Man and the Sea" to no one in particular.  
Then, he turned to them and said, "Pardon me, ladies and gentleman. But I have the strangest urge to perform a mock trial recreation of the Mayella Ewell trial from 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. Who would like to perform the role of Tom Robinson?"   
Zelda looked at Link.  
Link looked at Impa.  
Impa looked at Zelda.  
And the three of them screamed. 


	3. Ganondorf: The Ecstatic Evil-O-Matic Fan...

CHAPTER FIVE: GANONDORF- THE ECSTATIC EVIL-O-MATIC FANATIC  
  
THURSDAY-  
  
"Why even bother Impa, it's not going to work!" Zelda groaned, following Impa down the dark corridor into the castle infirmary.  
"We can try!" Impa said triumphantly. "Are you coming, Nabooru?"   
"Give me a break Impa, this box weighs at least 100 pounds!" Nabooru whined, lugging a huge cardboard box behind her.   
The day before, Zelda had called the Sages and oh-so-casually explained to them the circumstances of Ganondorf's... problems. After a hearty laugh, they learned he would be stuck that way forever unless they could fix it. Then, after a hearty sob, they all offered to pitch in and help.  
Since Nabooru had known the King formerly known as Evil since he was a kid, she was the first to volunteer to bring him back into reality. She had raided his room, dungeons, and high school yearbook storage boxes and gathered the best reminders of Ganondorf's evil lifestyle to show to him, hoping he would remember how much fun it is being mean.  
"He's in here," Impa said, pushing open the door to the infirmary.   
Nabooru pushed the box into the doorway, only to be greeted by Ganondorf, who was in the middle of watching Rolie Polie Olie on TV, wearing a rainbow colored helicopter beanie over the Evil-O-Matic.  
"He's Rolie Polie Olie! HOWDY! HOWDY! HOORAY! HOORAY!" he sang joyfully.   
"Sweet mother of pearl, it's worse than I thought!" Nabooru gasped, shaking her head sadly.   
Ganondorf looked up. "Oh! Visitors! How lovely!" he giggled, switching off the TV and removing his beanie, bowing gracefully. "It is my honor and privilege to invite you into my home! Please make yourself comfortable! May I take your coats?"  
Nabooru blinked. "Ganondorf!"  
"Yes?" he replied sweetly.  
"It's REALLY worse than I thought..." Nabooru whispered to Impa.   
"I know, I know... Just... see what you can do!"  
"Time to work my magic!" Nabooru chuckled, rubbing her hands together.  
Impa and Zelda shut the door quietly, and took seats in front of it.   
Nabooru set the box next to another chair, and pulled up one for Ganondorf. "OK, Ganny-Poo. Have a seat."  
"Thank you kindly, miss." Ganondorf said happily, sitting down.  
Nabooru sat across from him and put on a pair of sophisticated-looking glasses.   
"Those look lovely on you, miss!" Ganondorf cooed.   
"Let's get down to business! Do you remember who I am?" she said slowly, as if to a child.  
"Of course. You're Nabooru, the fabulously beautiful leader of the Gerudo Thieves and the brave Sage of Spirit!" Ganondorf answered.   
"Oh, thank you." Nabooru blushed. "And do you remember who you are?"  
"I'm Ganondorf Dragmire." Ganondorf said proudly.  
"That's right. And what's your job?"   
"Making the world a better place!" Ganondorf said, even prouder.  
Nabooru shook her head.  
"Um... making people happy?" Ganondorf guessed.  
She shook her head again, and crossed her arms.  
"Making people... slightly pleased?"   
"No. You're an Evil King." Nabooru told him.   
"Who, me? Don't be silly!" Ganondorf laughed. "I'm not evil! Not in the least!"  
"Yes, you are Ganondorf! You're mean... NASTY... CRUEL... and all around AWFUL!" Nabooru said in a dramatic voice.  
"Oh, come now, now Miss Nabooru, there's no need to make accusations."   
"I'm serious! You are a really bad guy!" Nabooru said, a little bit agitated. "And I've got all this stuff from your room in your giant evil castle to show you that it's true!"  
Ganondorf rocked back and forth in his chair nervously, watching Nabooru's every move.   
Impa and Zelda looked on intently. "This ought to show him!" Impa said.  
Zelda yawned and leaned back in her chair. "Yeah, yeah... the sooner he gets evil again, the sooner I can put him back to good ol' fashioned work and humiliation!"   
  
Nabooru pulled out a Hyrule High School yearbook, and flipped to a marked page.  
"Here. This is you in your freshman year!"   
She handed him the book and pointed out the picture. Ganondorf looked quite the same, only he had a full head of red hair, and a pair of thick Drew Carey-style glasses that were taped together.   
Ganondorf nodded, and read the caption below the picture. "Math Club, Spelling Bee, Geography Bee, Science Olympiad, Tech Ed Club, Home Ec Club, DECA, and Knitting Club."   
Zelda and Impa pulled their chairs over for a closer look, and the two of them and Nabooru all scratched their heads in confusion.   
"Wow! You were a total GEEK!" Zelda giggled wildly.   
"We prefer the term BRAIN, actually." Ganondorf pointed out. "And it's a proven fact that Brains are better kissers."   
Impa gagged.  
Nabooru quickly threw the yearbook back in the pile. "That wasn't the one I wanted to show you... ah, here it is! This is you in senior year!"   
The pictures were dramatically different. This Ganondorf looked a lot like he did now... half-balding, bulging muscles, an evil sneer and several tattoos, in addition to a large cape.   
Ganondorf read the caption again. "Wrestling, EVIL club, Curses and Black Magic honors student, Monsters Inc, and... Knitting Club?"  
"Look, here you are in the wrestling picture!" Impa said excitedly.   
Senior Ganondorf was about to squeeze a younger, slightly scragglier wrestler's head off.   
"And here you are in the Curses and Black Magic class picture!" Nabooru pointed out.   
It showed Ganondorf holding up his (evilly glowing black) hands up, surrounded by an assortment of students who were covered in boils, rashes, spots, hair, and all sorts of terrible things.   
"Monsters Inc!" Zelda said, pointing to a picture of Ganondorf holding the leash of something large, hairy, and vicious as the other students ran away.  
"And... Knitting Club." Impa sighed. Then her eyes popped out.   
The picture showed Ganondorf about to stab another student with a pair of knitting needles that looked more like swords.   
"I remember that. He was trying to steal my spool of pink yarn that I was using." Ganondorf murmured. "Oh, what a vicious brute I was! I wish I could relive it all and undo all those terrible things!"  
"NO YOU DON'T!" all three women shrieked at him.  
"And I have more! I found these things in your room! If you're not mad and insane and evil, tell me what these are!" Nabooru snapped.  
She held up a thick leather whip with a steel handle and nine lashes.   
"A slave driving whip? For use on unruly prisoners of war and disrespectful tyrannically ruled subjects?"  
"Of course not! That's a tow cable, silly!" Ganondorf giggled.  
"... what?" all three girls said at the same time.  
"For tying my boat rig to my horse, so I can go on a relaxing fishing trip in the mountains, surrounded by nature and all that is peaceful," he answered innocently.  
"OK, then how about this?" Nabooru demanded, holding up a iron mace, with extra large extra sharp spikes and a reinforced steel chain. "A mace, for brutally killing anyone who opposes your evil rule?"  
"A meat tenderizer, for when I cook steak!" Ganondorf explained.   
Nabooru sighed deeply, then cried, "ALL RIGHT, SMART GUY! LET'S SEE YA DEFEND YOURSELF WITH THIS ONE! I HAVE EVIDENCE AGAINST YOU FOR THE CRIME OF USING THIS ON SOMEONE!"  
She grabbed a huge beaker of something black and smelly. On the label was printed:   
"WHAM-O Brand IRON KNUCKLE POTION. For SLOWLY and PAINFULLY transforming IMPERTINENT former followers into GIANT, SINISTER METAL MINIONS with HUGE AXES and an IQ of about 34, as well as a HIDEOUS TEMPER and NO KNOWLEDGE OF THEIR PAST LIVES OR EXISTANCES! Got a pesky HERO OF TIME problem? Use WHAM-O Brand IRON KNUCKLE POTION and your PROBLEMS will be SOLVED!"  
Then she glared at Ganondorf with a look of utter hatred. "YA REMEMBER USING THAT, DON'T YA?"  
Ganondorf closed his eyes solemnly. "Alas, I do... sweet Nabooru, may those seven years of your life that I enslaved you be taken off of mine, you poor thing... If only I could turn back time! A lovely, innocent young girl such as yourself should not have remained transformed into a hideous beast by me for such a time! The abomination of my deeds aches my heart Nabooru, and I know it serves as no comfort to you, but may the higher powers allow you to remember this: I fling myself at your feet in remorse... I bow solemnly to your presence, great honored lady, and I grovel to your feet each time I see you from now on, the weight of my actions weighing me down like the bird with its wings clipped..."   
Then he threw himself to the floor and bowed to Nabooru, crying as he did.  
Nabooru was utterly shocked. She dropped the bottle, her glasses, and her hands were shaking. "Wh... WHAT?"  
"We knew each other in our childhood days, Nabooru... and never did I imagine that such a witty, beautiful girl as yourself would fall hapless prey to my demonic power-hungry ways... May we remember those sweet days of youth, and shed a tear for torn friendships and carefree days of summer spent together, not knowing what would come to pass..."  
Nabooru burst into tears and gave Ganondorf a big hug. "OH GANONDORF! I HAD NO IDEA... WHEN WE WERE KIDS, AND... THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL! I FORGIVE YOU, I REALLY, REALLY DO! AND THE TRUTH IS, WHILE I WHINED ABOUT HATING YOU SO MUCH AND EVEN THOUGH YOU TURNED ME INTO A GREAT BIG, UGLY AND HORRIBLE MONSTER AND PUT ME THROUGH YEARS AND YEARS OF PAIN, I REALLY LIKE YOU! YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!"  
Then the two of them shared a good sob.  
Impa blinked in shock.  
And Zelda stood, speechless, as the two Gerudo burst out singing, "Why Can't We Be Friends?".  
  
SUNDAY-  
  
Impa sat in her room early in the morning, eyes wide open in fear. Her hands were shaking nervously, and a cold sweat was soaking the pillowcase and melting her guacamole mud mask right off onto the sheets.   
"It's almost 6..." she thought to herself. "Any second now..."   
Every second seemed to take an hour. And each tick... tock of the clock on the wall seemed to echo over again and again, taunting Impa with its nagging procession along the clock face.   
"One more minute..." she thought, clutching the blankets and sliding down further under them.   
Tick... tock... tick... tock... tick...  
"Five more seconds..."  
Tick... tock... tick... tock... t...i...c...k...  
WHAM!  
The door to Impa's room slammed open and Ganondorf appeared in a brightly colored rainbow plaid suit that made him look quite a bit like a used car salesman. He had a wide stupid grin plastered on his face, and he was pushing a large tray heaping with food.   
"IMPAAA!" he cooed cheerily, skipping merrily into the room. Impa groaned and sat up slowly, her hair turban falling onto the floor.   
"... what?" she snapped.   
"It is I, your faithful breakfast boy, here to slake your thirst and ease your hunger!" he grinned, whipping out a large table. "But FIRST- The Morning Song!"   
"Oh... NO..."  
Ganondorf pulled out a microphone and a karaoke machine, and he began singing to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", with a dance routine to match.   
"'It is morning!' someone cries! Wipe the sleep out of your eyes! Time for juice and time for tea! Or a gallon of coffee!"  
Impa rolled her eyes sadly as he finished the song spastically.   
"Time for bacon, time for eggs! Take a walk and stretch your legs! 'It is morning!' someone cries! Now you get a big surprise!"   
He leaned over to give Impa a big kiss, but she had already stomped into her closet to get changed.   
"Miss Impa? Oh Miss Impa!" Ganondorf called. "Where did you go?"  
"I'm getting changed." Impa snapped.   
"Oh! Would you like my help, Miss Impa?"  
"NO, I would NOT like your help!"  
"Are you sure, Miss Impa?"  
"Stop it with the 'Miss' crap! And YES, I'm positive and if you knew what was good for you you'd drop off my breakfast and get out of here!"   
"Yes, Miss Impa..." Ganondorf said, turning on the burner of his portable breakfast-making cart. He donned a Benihana-style hat over his helmet and an apron, and a couple of spatulas. Then he set to work making Impa her usual omelet.   
As he beat the eggs, he heard shuffling from inside the closet and several sets of body armor identical to Impa's came flying out. "Man, where are my socks?"   
"She needs help! I'm coming, Miss Impa!" Ganondorf declared triumphantly, setting down his spatulas and speeding into the closet.   
Seconds later...   
(Huge gasp)   
"Miss Impa! You called for help! What can I do for you?"  
"GANONDORF, I DON'T HAVE A SHIRT ON!"  
"Miss Impa! Are you in danger? Do you need help finding something? I think this silvery set would look good on you today, what do you think?"  
"... I THINK I'M GOING TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF NOW..."  
"What was that?"   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHH! GET OUT OF MY CLOSET, YOU PERVERT!"  
"What was that Miss Impa, I didn't- OOWW!"  
Ganondorf sped out of the closet, thousands of pairs of high heel shoes came flying out after him, several hitting him in the sensitive areas.  
"Ouch! Miss Impa! Wait! Your breakfast! It's-"  
"I'LL GRAB SOME CEREAL IN THE KITCHEN, JUST GET OUT NOWWW!"  
He swept a little bow and ran out of the room as fast as he could.   
  
Later, Impa (who was still in a sour mood from her little negligee incident) answered the castle door to find Darunia, who was right on time for his appointment with the reformatted king of evil.  
"Hi, Impa," Darunia said, handing her a 400 pound box of equipment, which she promptly dropped. "Am I on time?"  
"Yeah... OUCH!" Impa groaned. "What is all this stuff?"   
"Equipment!" Darunia said. "You say you have an evil king who needs evilifying?"  
"Yeah, but how is a WWF wrestling ring going to help?" Impa asked confusedly.  
"You'll see..." Darunia smiled.   
  
"Thank you for coming to visit me, Mr. Darunia, but honestly, I'm right in the middle of the most exciting chapter of 'Les Miserables'! Can't this wait?"   
Darunia raised a giant Goron eyebrow, and shook his head sadly.  
"It's worse than I thought!" he said disapprovingly.  
"Yeah, that's what Nabooru said too. And half an hour later, they were singing together." Impa said, rolling her eyes.  
"Yes... Singing with the lovely Nabooru was quite an honor- her soprano is a sweet tune not often heard... But even a soprano so fine as hers does no justice to your spectacular alto-soprano, darling Impa..." Ganondorf said suavely, kissing her hand.   
Impa ripped her hand away in disgust. "Hurry up Darunia, I don't know how much more of this I can stand!"  
  
Five minutes later, Darunia had built up a large replica WWF wrestling ring in the infirmary. "Perfect!" he said, clapping his hands. "All right, you pathetic excuse for a former evil king! Get in there!"  
"Who, me?" Ganondorf asked confusedly. "Ah, I'm sorry, your honorable Big Brotherly-ness, sir... I do not approve of any sport that involves bloodshed."   
"You don't know how weird it is to hear you say that..." Darunia mumbled. "You used to be a big, strong, physically fit and extraordinarily powerful evil master of darkness!"  
"Uhh... no." Ganondorf said meekly.  
Darunia frowned, scratched his head and said, "All right then... Before your accident, the two of us would have been quite an even match. Me, 7'2", 2000 pounds of sheer muscle and Goron brute strength, with some handy Fire Sage powers to back me up. And you, 6'3", an immensely powerful evil sorcerer with the Triforce of Power in your hand and quite a grip to match. So, we're going to see how you do now... It won't hurt you to learn how to take a punch, and I just might score another crotch shot to turn you back to normal."   
"Uhh... no." Ganondorf said again. "I'm sorry good sir, but I would quite prefer NOT to partake in battle with you..."   
"Come on!" Darunia whined. "How are you going to be evil again if we don't beat some toughness into you?"   
"Easy, I'm not! I'm not proud of what I did before, and I'm quite happy now!" Ganondorf said defiantly.   
"IT'S THE HELMET TALKING!" Impa cried to Darunia.   
"I know..." Darunia said smugly. "OK, I'm going to ask nicely now. Please?"  
"No." Ganondorf said, turning the page of his book.   
"Pretty please?"   
"No."  
"Please, before I beat your skull in?"   
"No sir, I must humbly back out."   
Darunia sighed, and shook his head. "I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do this."   
He walked casually up behind Ganondorf's chair, grabbed him by the waistband of his tighty-whities, and lifted him out of the chair.   
"ACK!" Ganondorf shrieked.  
"GET IN THE RING, NOW!" Darunia barked in his full Goronese fury.  
"OYVENHAYVENLAYVEN..." Ganondorf squeaked, his voice a full two octaves higher than normal.   
"That's what I thought," Darunia said, setting him down inside the ropes.  
Impa paused, and bit her lip. "Darunia... I don't know if this is the way to go about this..."  
"Aw, come on Impa! If he doesn't take another shot to the pills, I don't know what else is going to shock him back to normal!" Darunia whined. "And besides, I've been waiting a long time to do this!"   
Impa sat down on a cot in the infirmary, and sighed. "This should be interesting..."  
Suddenly, the door slammed open, and Zelda raced in, accompanied by Saria and Link, who were both gasping for breath.   
"LOOK!" Zelda cried, pointing triumphantly. "I TOLD you Impa was going to have Darunia beat some sense into him!"  
"Oh WOW! Cool!" Saria said in awe.  
"GO DARUNIA! WOO!" Link cheered.  
"Hey! I cannot have you guys distracted him or me from our work!" Darunia said sternly, rubbing some Tiger Balm on his arms and doing push-ups at the same time.  
"Oh, we won't. We just want to watch you kill him!" Zelda grinned, as she, Link and Saria took seats next to Impa on the cot.   
Impa frowned. "Zelda..."  
"I promise, we won't distract them! Really! Just PLEASE LET US WATCH?" Zelda begged, making the puppy-face.  
Impa rolled her eyes. "Fine."   
Darunia stood up, cracked his knuckles, and hung a towel over the side of the ring. Then he hopped inside with Ganondorf, who had just fixed his underwear.  
"Someone make the ding-ding noise," he requested.  
"DING-DING!" Link cried.   
"OK Ganondorf, you might want to get ready now..." Darunia said, smiling maliciously.  
"Oh sir, MUST we carry on like this?" begged Ganondorf. "I've just straightened out my underwear, and..."  
POPPOPOPOPOPOP.  
Darunia stopped in his tracks, and turned irritably to Zelda, Link, and Saria, who were cooking a bag of microwave popcorn over the bedside heater.   
"AHEM."   
"Oh, sorry," Saria said, turning off the heater and tearing open the bag.   
Darunia and Impa rolled their eyes, and Ganondorf tried to jump over the ropes and get out of the ring. Darunia caught him by the foot.   
"Ah-ah-AAAH! We're not even started yet!"  
"That's the idea!" Ganondorf pleaded. "Please, my good man, I assure you I have nothing against you, and nothing would make me want to hurt you, ever! I wouldn't hurt a flea!"   
"But if you're not a flea, you'd better watch out!" Link called. Zelda and Saria burst into giggles.   
"HUUUUSH!" Darunia whined. "Turn on my theme music, if you're going to talk!"   
Impa pushed the PLAY button on the large stereo Darunia had brought with him. A loud techno remix of "Saria's Song" began to play out of it.   
"OK Ganondorf, let's see you block this punch!" Darunia said proudly, pounding his fist into his hands.   
"Big Brother Sir... PLEASE?!" Ganondorf wailed pitifully.  
"NO! Come on. The sooner you do that, the sooner I can leave you alone."  
Ganondorf stepped nervously up in front of the Goron King, and covered his face with his left hand, punching weakly with his right.   
"OK, block this:" Darunia said, pulling back his fist.  
"WAIT! I'M NOT-"  
POW!  
Ganondorf's eyes got very big, and he whimpered like a little baby and looked at his hand. "You broke... my... HAND!" he squealed.  
"Oops, sorry..." Darunia said, covering his mouth.  
Saria, Zelda and Link howled with laughter.  
"COME ON DARUNIA! Give the man a... BREAK!" Zelda shrieked with laughter.  
"Looks like he needs a... HAND!" Saria added, giggling uncontrollably.   
"Maybe he should have been better... ARMED!" Link snickered.   
"You GUYS!" Impa snapped. "OK Darunia, maybe some other time, we need to get that hand wrapped-"  
"No, no, no!" Darunia said, shaking his finger. "If you baby him, he'll never learn to be tough and if he never learns to be tough, his chances of being evil again are KAPUT!"   
Impa sat down again, sighing.   
Ganondorf had contorted his face into a look of sheer agony, and he threw pleading looks at everyone around.   
"Sorry about that, Ganondorf," Darunia said sheepishly. "All right, let's work on your sparring."  
"I'd rather NOT." Ganondorf snapped. The Evil-O-Matic gave him a minuscule zap.  
"THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE WAY YOU ACT EVIL!" Darunia cried. "OK, get your fists up like this... and punch me!"  
"With an Earthquake Punch!" Link called. "Like you did when you fought me!"   
"No way!" Ganondorf whined. "I'm going to hurt you!"  
"Not with a stance like that you're not. Come on, go!"  
Ganondorf sighed, and pulled back his left fist, squinting his eyes shut tight and shaking nervously. "OK..."  
"Let me have it!" Darunia said proudly.  
"If I do this... will you leave me alone and stop trying to make me evil?" "Sure," Darunia said, shrugging. "But you haven't done it yet. Let's see you try."   
Ganondorf, with the promise of getting back to his favorite book hanging overhead, quickly got into a fighting stance and pulled back his left fist again.   
"Here... I... GO!" Ganondorf cried.   
POW!   
THUD!   
  
"Wow... that was a good punch." Impa commented.   
"Yeah, too bad it hit HIM instead of Darunia!" Link howled with laughter.Ganondorf lay on his back on the mat, looking very dazed as his nose gushed blood.   
"Well... I guess that's KIND of the way to do it," Darunia said idly. "Only next time... can you hit ME?"   
"He looks pretty thirsty... Why don't you get him some... PUNCH?" Zelda giggled.   
"Zeldaaaa," Impa groaned. "Stop with the puns."   
Saria couldn't say anything: she was laughing too hard.   
Darunia helped Ganondorf off the floor, and handed him a box of Kleenex, two of which he promptly stuffed into his nose.   
"OK, enough punching. Why don't you give a Dark Kick a try? That neato move you use in SSB Melee?" Darunia suggested.  
"I don't want to... I'll hurt myself..." Ganondorf wailed.   
"Come on! Have a little faith!" Darunia scolded.  
"And a little aspirin may not be a bad idea either," Saria snickered.   
Darunia threw her a Look, and pushed Ganondorf onto a stool on the side of the ring. "OK, let me show you..."  
He did a sort of clumsy jump, and rapidly kicked the air.   
"My legs are too short to actually do it, you have to figure out the rest!" Darunia explained.  
Ganondorf sighed, and then complained, "Hey, you said I could be done if I did the punch!"  
"You punched YOURSELF. Not ME." Darunia said simply. "Now kick."  
Ganondorf sighed, and then said triumphantly, "OK! I AM GOING TO DO IT THIS TIME! I WILL NOT MAKE AN IDIOT OUT OF MYSELF AGAIN!"  
"Awww..." Saria, Link and Zelda whined.  
Impa threw them all the same Look.   
Ganondorf took a few steps back, ran forward and...  
POW!   
WHUMP!  
  
-Followed by the sound of the cot collapsing under the weight of Saria, Link and Zelda, all laughing so hard they could barely breathe and clutching their stomachs in mirth.   
"YOU GUYS!" Impa snapped, standing up. "That's not funny!"  
"HE KICKED HIMSELF IN THE FACE!" Zelda shrieked hysterically.   
"I'll have to admit, that was pretty funny," Darunia chuckled.   
"AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD?" Link screeched with laughter.   
Darunia grabbed a basin of water from below the ring, and splashed it all over the unconscious Ganondorf, who sat up sputtering helplessly.   
"GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN ON THE GROOOOOOOOOOUND GET AROOOOOOOOOUND AND GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN DOOOOOOOOWN LOWWWWWWWW... YOU KNOOOOOOOWWWW... GET DOOOOOOOOOOWN... MY UNDERWEAR IS BROWWWWWWWWWWWWWN, I'M WEARING A FROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN, I'M UPSIDE DOOOOOOOOOWN... DOOOOOOOOOOOWN... DOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW-"  
And with that Darunia smacked him over the head with the empty basin. "Get a hold of yourself, MAN!"   
Ganondorf stopped immediately, and stood there stupidly for another minute or so, while Saria, Link and Zelda gasped for air and gradually calmed down.   
Impa jumped up into the ring and looked at Ganondorf's eyes. "His pupils are dilated! He's got a concussion!"   
"Oh, OK," Darunia said, lifting up the basin again and smacking him in the head with it.   
"NOOOO! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, KILL HIM?" shrieked Impa, snatching the basin away from him.   
"Hey look guys! They're CROCK fighting!" Saria snickered.  
Link and Zelda looked at her confusedly.  
"Uh... Basin? CROCK? A BASIN of this? A CROCK of that?"  
"Oh... AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" they both howled.   
"Yeah Darunia, you're going to make him KICK the BUCKET." Link giggled.   
Then the three of them got started into a laughing frenzy again.   
"Ganondorf! Can you hear me?" Impa yelled into his ear.  
"OW... ENOUGH... SCREAMING..." Ganondorf mumbled.  
"OK... thanks Darunia, but I think he'd better lie down for a while now..." Impa said, lifting Ganondorf over her head and setting him down on one of the other cots.   
"Uh... OK..." Darunia replied as he packed up his wrestling ring.  
"Please, come again Darunia!" Zelda giggled.  
"Yeah, I could use a good laugh every once and a while!" Saria added.   
Then the two of them and Link were on the floor howling with laughter again.  
  
  
TUESDAY-   
  
"Just you wait, Impa! There's no way he'll be able to STAND being good again after I'm done with him!" Saria said proudly.   
"And this is coming from you, the one who was laughing at him the other day." Impa grumbled. "And why did you need the dungeons for your plan anyway?"  
"You'll see," Saria said happily. "Where'd Link and Zelda go?"   
"I sent them to get Ganondorf ready to go." Impa replied, pushing open the door to the infirmary...   
To see Link and Zelda laughing hysterically as they watched Ganondorf perform the Chicken Dance.   
"I DON'T WANNA BE A CHICKEN! I DON'T WANNA BE A DUCK! I JUST WANNA SHAKE MY BUTT!" he sang merrily.   
"ZELDA!" Impa cried.   
"WHAAT?" she shrugged innocently. "You never told us what exactly to do!"  
"Yeah, you just said to go." Link added.   
Impa sighed, and then said, "I told you to make sure he was dressed and everything!"  
Upon seeing Impa, Ganondorf raced over to her and swept a low bow, kissing her hand again. "Good morning Miss Impa... and isn't it a lovely morning?"  
"Just peachy." Impa snapped.   
Saria dragged a boom box out of the closet and slipped in a tape, and waited for Impa to give her the signal.   
"Oh by the way Ganondorf, something terrible has happened!" Impa said in monotone.   
"WHAT?!" he gasped.  
Saria pressed play, and dramatic music blasted out of the stereo. Then she ran up to Ganondorf and wailed even more dramatically.   
"OH GANONDORF! IT'S THE MOST TERRIBLE THING! THE PRINCESS HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!"   
"Huh?" Ganondorf asked confusedly, scratching the Evil-O-Matic helmet. "But... Zelda's right here..."  
"The OTHER PRINCESS!" Saria gasped in terror. "The ghost of Dark Link has taken her down to the dungeons, and he's going to kill her if you don't hurry and rescue her!"  
"Oh dear! Don't you think I should stay here and protect Miss Impa and yourself, Miss Saria? Mr. Link should definitely go after the monster!" Ganondorf said quickly.   
"No, he can't go! He's got... a Charlie Horse!" Saria said, winking obviously at Link.  
"Huh? Oh yeah... OWWW!" he screamed, clutching his leg in pain and falling over.   
"Very well then!" Ganondorf said triumphantly. "I must do what I can to uphold the forces of good and righteousness! I MUST SUCCEED!"   
And with that he sped out of the infirmary and down to the dungeons.  
"OK, we've only got a few minutes before he gets to the dungeons! Hurry up and get to your places!" Saria barked.   
Zelda and Link nodded, and the two of them, Saria and Impa slipped through a secret passage in the back of the infirmary.   
  
Ganondorf pushed the dungeon door open as quietly as he could, even then making a huge squeak. The damp, dank dungeons were glowing with a strange blue light.   
"I must succeed!" he cried. "But how will I succeed without a sword?"  
"GAAAANONDOOOOOORF..." a wailing voice called.  
"Who said that?" he said, jumping.   
"Over here! Straight! Then left! Then right! Now a little more left... RIGHT HERE! STOP!"   
Ganondorf followed the directions, and then screeched to a halt to find a small puddle of water that was glowing purple.   
"Whoa..." Ganondorf said in awe.  
Suddenly, rising out of the puddle with the help of Shadow Sage powers came a beautiful woman who mysteriously resembled Impa draped in a sheet with her hair down.   
"IMPA?!?! YOU'RE A GHOST!" Ganondorf gasped.  
"No... I am not Impa! I am the Priestess of the Puddle... Here to present to you the mighty sword Extinguisher!" Impa said in her wailing voice.  
Impa threw Ganondorf a sword, and he bowed chivalrously.   
"Thank you, dear Priestess of the Puddle... I WOULD fight for your honor, but I must fight for the honor of my true love, my dear sweet beloved, the object of my desires IMPA the Sage of Shadow and the-"  
"Yes, yes, good, good!" Impa snapped angrily. "Just go!"   
Grabbing the sword, Ganondorf raced down the slimy dungeon corridor.  
Suddenly, Zelda leaped out at him, with her face painted green and a pair of novelty vampire teeth. "HOOWA!" she snarled. "THE PRINCESS' BONES SHALL LAY IN THE DUNGEONS FORE- OW!"  
That was Ganondorf courageously kicking Zelda in the face, knocking her flat and unconscious against the wall with a huge imprint of his boot across her face.   
"BACK, FOUL CREATURE!" he screamed. "I must succeed!"  
Running down another corridor, the brave evil king was confronted by a series of passages with boulders rolling back and forth across small ramps.  
"I must succeed!" he called again, completely oblivious to Darunia, who was busily running back and forth along the rows, pushing all 16 boulders back and forth.   
"Pant... pant... pant..." Darunia sighed. "Saria's just lucky that this was my talent in high school..."  
"No problem!" Ganondorf cried, forming a great orb of black energy in his hands and using it to crush each and every boulder in his way in one great blast of rubble...  
Leaving Darunia standing in the middle of the corridor, his eyes glowing in the blue light and a deer-in-the-headlights look on. "BWA!" he shrieked, running away.  
"Another creature falls to me!" Ganondorf said triumphantly. "Hey... wait a sec... since when can I create great big orbs of dark magic? I've never been able to do that be-"  
Just then, Saria dropped from the ceiling in equally cheesy-looking makeup, landing on Ganondorf's head and snarling. "EEEHHHAAAH! HAR HAR- KLUNK!"   
Ganondorf knocked her over the head with the blunt end of the sword, and she fell to the floor like a sack of wet mice.   
Finally, Ganondorf reached a blue glowing door with a big lock on it. "This must be where the Princess is!" he said heroically. "I must succeed!"   
"I don't think so!" an eerie voice hissed.   
Link stepped out from the shadows, covered in black paint and wielding the freshly black-painted Master Sword.   
"DARK LINK!" Ganondorf gasped. "You were created as an evil monster by my former evil self... now I will destroy you in the name of all that is gorgeous! ... Impaaaaa..." he drooled.   
Link leaped at him with the Master Sword, but Ganondorf stepped out of the way and stuck out his foot.   
"What the- OUCH!" Link snapped, just before he slammed face-first into the wall and dropped unconscious to the floor.   
  
Ganondorf held up Extinguisher dramatically and screamed, "I have succeeded! Princess! Oh Mysterious Princess! Are you all right?"   
He chopped the flimsy lock off of the door with the sword, and swung it open as quickly as he could. Misty blue fog spilled out of the room, and Ganondorf coughed. "Princess? Are you in there?"   
Suddenly, a silhouette appeared against the smoke. A glowing blue silhouette...  
"YOU SAVED MEEE!" shrieked Ruto, leaping out of the room and glomping the very confused Ganondorf. She was wearing a pair of sunglasses. "MY HEEEERO!"  
Grabbing a can of breath freshener out of her pocket, Ruto gave herself two sprays, grabbed Ganondorf's face, and...  
"Princess Ruto! Wait- Please, don't... "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-mmpgppgpphppphpphhh!" he screamed, followed by muffled kissing noises.   
  
In the shadows just beyond the door where Ruto was... rewarding her rescuer, Link, Saria, Zelda, Darunia (all beaten up and bloody) and Impa were watching shaking their heads.  
"Man... I thought seeing that happen to Ganondorf would be cool... but it's just... TOO... TOO CRUEL!" Link sobbed, wiping his nose that was dripping blood.   
"I told you he'd want to be evil again!" Saria said proudly, rubbing a huge bump on her head.  
Zelda was trying to use some concealer to cover up the huge boot-mark on her face. "We don't know for sure yet, Saria. Don't be so cocky. Just enjoy the moment..."   
"If anything, he took a big step forward. He knows how to use his evil powers again!" Darunia said happily, taking care of his singed hair.   
Impa was in the middle of tying her hair up again. "Well, I just hope... what the... HOLY SHAMOLEY! SWEET CHEESE, IS THAT A TENTACLE?!"   
"WHAT?" Link cried. "WHERE?"   
"AAAGGGHHH!" Zelda screamed. "STOP, STOP RUTO! IT'S TOO GROSS!"   
Saria blinked confusedly. "Whaaa?"   
"Just kidding..." Impa giggled. "OK, let's go get her off of him now."  
The four of them raced forward and snatched Ruto off of poor Ganondorf, who had turned green.   
"Ruto, Ruto that's enough!" Zelda snapped.  
Shaking and sweating, Ganondorf tried to look triumphant again, but just ended up looking pathetic. "I... have... succeeded... Ugh..."   
Ruto now pulled out a can of disinfectant, and coated herself with a healthy layer of it. "EWEWEWEWEWEEWWW! I CANNOT BELIEVE I DID THAT!" She threw off her sunglasses, and Saria picked them up.  
"Hey... these have a picture of Link pasted onto both frames!" Saria said.   
Impa patted Ganondorf on the back. "Good job, Ganondorf! You saved her!"  
Ganondorf let out a pitiful sob, and collapsed into Impa's arms. "I think I need to lie down..."   
"Looks like it worked!" Impa mouthed to Saria, who wasn't paying attention. She had put on Ruto's glasses and was pointing at people going, "HI LINK! HI LINK! HAHAHA!"   
"Thanks for saving me, Ganny-Poo!" Ruto said in a fake sweet voice.   
"Come on Ganondorf... let's go put you to bed. You've had a hard day saving people and fighting for righteousness." Impa said, leading Ganondorf back through the dungeons. He was crying.   
"I need to go put something on this, I think," Zelda said, motioning to her face. "Come on, you guys... let's go celebrate Ganondorf's return to evilness!"   
"Yay!" Link said happily, trying to leave. Suddenly, a scaly hand grabbed his shoulder.  
"Ahem."   
"Oh, hi... Ruto..." Link gulped.  
She held out her hand, palm up. "Come on. You said you'd pay me."  
He placed a gold Rupee in her hand. "OK, better go now..."   
"Nope. You said you'd pay me... SOMETHING ELSE." she said threateningly.  
"But Ruto..." Link wailed. "The bloody nose... the pain..."  
She shook her head rapidly.   
"... Please no!" Link wailed again.   
"Ah-ah-AAAHHH... you promised!"   
Link swallowed hard, and called to Saria, Zelda and Darunia. "I'll... I'll catch up with you later..." Then he let out a strangled sob.   
The three of them stopped and turned around just in time to see Ruto grab Link and force him into a great big kiss.   
"Ewww..." they shuddered.   
"Well, a promise is a promise, I guess." Darunia said.  
Zelda nodded. "Yeah, and... HOLY SHAMOLEY! SWEET CHEESE, IS THAT A TENTACLE?!"  
"WHAT? WHERE?" Link gasped.   
"Shut up, Link! You're ruining the mood!" Ruto snapped.   
"GREAT BALLS OF FIRE, IT IS A TENTACLE!" Darunia shrieked.   
"... whaa?" Saria mumbled confusedly.   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGH!" Link screamed, when he saw the tentacle on his shoulder.   
"WHAT DID I TELL YOU, LINK?" Ruto warned. "NOW KISS ME, YOU FOOL!"  
"NOOO! ZELDA, DARUNIA PLEASE! SAVE- MPPHFGHGGGHHMMM!!!"   
"WHOA! EWWW, THAT'S NOT RIIIIIGHT!" Zelda and Darunia groaned.   
  
  
WEDNESDAY-   
  
The next morning, Impa woke up with a fresh and happy outlook on life. Finally... the cursed Evil-O-Matic's defectiveness had been defeated, and Ganondorf was back to his repulsive, disgusting self!   
She was sure of it. The day before, when she had led him back to the infirmary and tucked him in, he had sobbed pathetically: "I NEVER WANT TO SAVE A PRINCESS AGAIN!"   
That was good enough for Impa. She was ready to go, wake up Ganondorf, and issue him a pardon for his crimes, then happily send him out the door back to Gerudo Valley where he could plot some more evil.   
"Finally... he's going to leave!" she cooed as she brushed her hair. "This means I have to give Ruto and Saria great big birthday presents!"   
Then, she grabbed her handy criminal pardoning kit and rushed off to Zelda's room, to find her still asleep.  
"ZELDA!" she cried.  
"AACK! WHATWHATWH- Impa!" Zelda shrieked. "You scared the crap out of me! What do you want this early in the morning?"  
"Sign this, please," Impa said, handing her a slip of paper.   
Zelda rubbed her eyes groggily and scanned over the paper.   
  
THIS DOCUMENT WHEN OFFICIALLY SIGNED BY ZELDA, PRINCESS OF HYRULE, SERVES AS A CRIMINAL PARDON FOR: Ganondorf Dragmire  
WHO WAS ACCUSED OF THE CRIME OF: Messing up Zelda's inauguration  
AND SENTENCED TO: Two months of indentured servitude under the Evil-O-Matic 3000 brand punishment device  
WE'RE SORRY WE HAD TO PUT YOU THROUGH ALL THAT: Ganondorf Dragmire  
GO HOME, GET BACK TO YOUR NORMAL LIFE, AND: Quit messing up inaugurations, 'K?   
SIGNED: ____________________ Zelda, Princess of Hyrule   
WITNESS: Impa, Sage of Shadow  
  
  
"OK... wait- What is this? A PARDON?! FOR GANONDORF?! Impa, whaddya nuts?"   
"No, I am not!" Impa said. "He's back to normal now. So let him go."  
"Nooooo, I don't want toooo!" Zelda wailed. "He still owes three weeks of servitude! I will NOT be suckered out of my well-spent 29.95 Rupees plus shipping and handling!"   
"Don't you think having your personality changed is punishment enough?" Impa snapped.   
"For that lying, low-life scumbag? Uh, NO!"   
Impa gave Zelda The Look.   
She groaned, threw her hands up in the air, and grabbed her official document signing pen. "FINE, IMPA. I'll sign it, OK? Jeez..."  
She scribbled her loopy signature on the line, and handed the pardon back to Impa.   
"Go have fun telling your boyfriend to go home." Zelda snarled.   
"He is NOT my boyfriend." Impa retorted.   
  
Impa practically raced down the hall to the infirmary, planning exactly what she would say to Ganondorf to make him leave. Throwing the door open, she cried, "GANONDORF! PACK YOUR BAGS, YOU JERK! YOU'VE BEEN PARDONED, NOW GET OUTTA-"  
"PLEASE, Miss Impa... I'm trying to figure out this crossword puzzle!"   
Impa stopped in her tracks and stared into the infirmary.  
Ganondorf was sitting in a plushy over-stuffed upholstered chair wearing a pair of sophisticated reading glasses and reading the New York Times, working out the crossword puzzle with a dull pencil. The radio was playing soft classical music, and he was drinking a cup of fine English tea.   
Impa gasped. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"   
"Miss Impa, with all due respect, you shouldn't shout like that!" Ganondorf scolded calmly.   
"I thought... I thought you were..."   
"Were what?" asked Ganondorf. "Oh, you mean yesterday? My dear lady, the Princess Ruto was only showing me her gratitude at the fact that I had saved her from those horrible creatures in the dungeons! It hadn't anything to do with her feelings for me... It was just an automatic reflex of gratefulness. Certainly, being frenched by a fish-woman was not high on my list of things I wanted to do in life, but I respect Princess Ruto's opinions in the matter and I do not prosecute her actions as an insult!"   
The pardon slipped through Impa's fingers and hit the floor. Then she collapsed against the wall, sobbing. "IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAAAAIR..."   
"Oh dear!" Ganondorf cried, leaping to his feet and giving Impa a big hug. "My dear Miss Impa, I am sorry if I have said anything to make you angry or upset! Can I make it up to you?"  
"STOP... BEING... SO... NICE!" she growled.  
"But... Miss Impa, I..." he stammered, patting her on the shoulder.  
"DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU SLIMEBALL!"   
"Oh, sorry Miss Impa..."   
She jumped to her feet and crumpled up the pardon into her pocket. "I'm FINE, Ganondorf. You just... ENJOY your stupid crossword puzzle, OK?!"   
Then she stomped out of the room angrily, leaving Ganondorf wondering what he said.   
  
"If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." Impa said angrily as she stomped through the corridors of the castle. She reached the door to the library, flopped down in a chair, and pulled out a notepad and a pen.  
She thought long and hard about some way to turn Ganondorf back to normal...  
"Ganondorf, both before and after the accident, has one gigantic weakness that I can use to my advantage... He's madly in love with me!" she pondered, jotting it down on the paper. "If I could use that... but how?"   
It was about 20 minutes before Impa was struck with an epiphany.   
"Yes... that might work! Yes, it will work! It's going to take a while, but..." She grinned maniacally, and scribbled the details of her plan onto the paper.   
"It's not going to be easy..." she said, "It's not going to be AT ALL fun... It'll probably be slightly disgusting... But if I can pull it off before Zelda's birthday next week... it will be perfect!"   
  
CHAPTER SIX: IMPA'S PERFECT PLAN -or- GANONDORF: THE DRAMATIC CLIMACTIC END OF THE ECSTATIC EVIL-O-MATIC FANATIC   
  
FRIDAY-   
  
Two days later, Impa's perfect plan went into effect.   
  
It began as a normal day for the cheerful, non-evil evil king. He woke up, ate a hearty breakfast of pancakes, brushed his teeth for two minutes and flossed, then sat down to read the comics.   
"OH MAN! I love that Family Circus!" he giggled. "It's so INNOCENT! HAHAHAHA-"  
"Hello, Ganondorf."   
He jumped out of his chair and ripped the comics in half in surprise when he saw Impa standing in the doorway wearing a sun hat.   
"Why, good morning Miss Impa! I haven't seen you since Wednesday... I was afraid I had said something wrong!"   
"Oh, not at all!" Impa cooed. "It just got me to thinking... I really don't see you enough. You're a guest in Zelda and my home, and we hardly even talk to you! You poor thing, cooped up in this tiny little room all the time..."  
"Oh, I don't mind!" Ganondorf said cheerfully. "It's really a rather nice room."   
"No, really," Impa replied. "You need to get outside once and a while. See the garden... feel the sunshine... nice things like that, you know?"  
"I... guess so, Miss Impa."  
"Please, just Impa," she grinned, winking. "Come on. I'm going on a walk in the garden. Would you like to come with me?"   
"Well... sure!" he giggled, jumping out of his seat.   
  
The couple strolled through the garden as planned, and engaged in a lively conversation about which type of peanut butter they preferred, Chunky or Creamy.   
"I like Creamy myself..." Impa said shyly.  
"Really? Me too! I like it because it reminds me of your beautiful creamy complexion..." Ganondorf said sweetly.  
"Oh, how cute!" Impa giggled. "You know what else I like? Scrabble. Scrabble has got to be the most entertaining board game in the world."  
"I love Scrabble!" Ganondorf cried. "Would you like to come back up to my room and play it with me?"  
"Of course!" Impa swooned, falling into his arms.   
  
Zelda was watching from an upstairs window. She had been a bit concerned when she saw Impa WALKING with Ganondorf without punching him, but became even MORE concerned when she let him touch her without punching him.   
But it wasn't until she saw them playing footsie by the pond that she became EXTREMELY concerned.   
"Something is OBSCENELY wrong..." she said worriedly. "I'd better call Link..."  
  
  
SATURDAY-  
  
On Saturday, the Hyrule Carnival came to town on the castle grounds, and everyone came to play overpriced impossible to win games, ride overpriced rides, and make themselves sick on cotton candy.   
"Where should we go next, you guys?" asked Saria happily as she, three other Sages, Link, Malon and Zelda got off the roller coaster.  
"No more rides..." Darunia groaned, clutching his stomach. "I feel sick..."  
"We could play some games," suggested Malon. "I'm really good at the dart toss."  
"I bet I'm better," Zelda replied haughtily.   
"Don't fight, you two!" Link scolded. "Why don't we go to the makeshift boardwalk and see a show?"   
"Sounds good to me!" Ruto giggled. "Anything that Link wants, I want it too..."  
Nabooru rolled her eyes. "Anyone want to enter a pie-eating contest with me?"  
Darunia turned green.   
"Well, we've got to decide on SOMETHING to do." Link said.   
"Impa would know..." Zelda said forlornly. "It's too bad she didn't want to come with us..."   
"Yeah, what's up with her lately anyway?" asked Nabooru.   
"I didn't think she'd be THAT upset when my plan didn't work," Saria pondered out loud.   
"But she hasn't wanted to talk to any of us for almost a week! How weird..." Ruto said.   
The group reached the Tunnel of Love, and Link immediately tried to take off in the other direction. But three pairs of arms grabbed him before he could go anywhere.   
"Come on Link... let's go, it'll be fun!" Zelda giggled.  
"No way Zelly! He's going with ME." Malon snapped. "I can serenade you with my singing."   
"You're both washed up!" Ruto cried. "I'll take my beloved Linky-Poo into the Tunnel of Love, and he'll immediately decide to marry me!"   
"I'd really rather not..." Link wailed.   
"You wanna go with me, Nabooru?" asked Darunia.   
"Uh... sorry Darunia... I think I'll go enter that pie-eating contest now... No offense, but you'll probably tip the boat over." Nabooru said quickly.   
As the three girls squabbled over who would ride with Link, Saria poked him on the shoulder. "Wanna ride with me, as friends, Link?"  
"YEAH, I'LL DO THAT!" he said quickly.   
The other three stopped arguing and stared angrily at Saria.   
"Just let me finish my lemonade first," Link said, taking a big gulp of it.  
Suddenly, his eyes popped out and he sprayed a mouthful of lemonade all over Zelda, Malon and Ruto.  
"EWW, Link!" they whined.  
"HOLY FRUITS! YOU GUYS! LOOK AT THAT!" he shrieked as he pointed in the direction of the Tunnel of Love.  
"What?" asked Darunia.  
"Was it necessary to spray us with lemon- WHOAA!" Malon gasped. "THERE'S IMPA RIGHT THERE!"  
"Where?" asked Saria.  
"OVER THERE! IN LINE FOR THE TUNNEL OF LOVE!" Nabooru cried.   
"In line? With who?" Ruto yelled, pushing Nabooru aside.   
"IN LINE WITH GANONDORF!" Zelda squealed.   
"You're joking, RIGHT?" Saria gasped, squeezing between Ruto and Nabooru's legs for a better look. "Is she really in line with him, or..."   
"They're HUGGING." Malon wailed.   
The seven of them blinked several times, rubbed their eyes in disbelief, and stared at the sickening sight before them.   
Impa and Ganondorf, hugging and giggling, were getting into a boat on the Tunnel of Love...   
Zelda couldn't hold it in anymore. "AGH! That is DISGUSTING!"   
"What does she think she's doing?" Link cried.  
"That is so creepy!" Saria shuddered.  
"GANONDORF and IMPA..." Nabooru wailed.   
"Ewww..." Darunia groaned.   
Malon just murmured blankly.   
Ruto shook her head sadly. "That's it. Impa's lost her mind..."   
"We can only hope... they can cure that, you know!" Link said quickly. "Let's just... wait until they come out, and see what..."   
For three agonizing minutes, the disgusted seven waited by the side of the ride, just waiting for the boat carrying the two to come out.   
Finally, the tip of boat #4 emerged...  
"What are they doing?!" Zelda gasped. "Can anyone see?"   
The boat moved into the sunlight, and seven mouths dropped open in disbelief.   
GANONDORF... AND IMPA... WERE MAKING OUT...   
And a collective scream of terror shot across the castle grounds.   
  
  
SUNDAY-   
  
"BUT WHY IMPA, WHYYYYYY?" Zelda begged to her nanny, who was making her lunch. "WHY HIM? WHYYYYY? There're THOUSANDS of people in Hyrule! THOUSANDS! And you fall in love with the most repulsive... DISGUSTING... manners-lacking lowlife SLUG in the whole world!"   
"He is not repulsive, disgusting, manners-lacking, a lowlife, OR a slug!" Impa snapped. "He's a kind and gentle man scarred by what happened to him in his childhood and when he was evil! He's changed Zelda, and it's my own decision if I love him or not!"   
"But GANONDORF! The EVIL ONE?" Zelda wailed.   
"Yes! OK? I LOVE GANONDORF!" Impa shrieked dramatically. "And nothing you say or do is going to stop me!"   
"But what if you get married?! My nanny-in-law is going to be a repulsive, disgusting, manners-lacking, lowlife SLUG!"  
"I told you he wasn't like that at all," Impa snapped, throwing Zelda a cheese sandwich and starting on another one.   
"But what'll people SAY, Impa?" Zelda sobbed. "Princess Zelda: Charge-In-Law of GANONDORF the evil king!"   
"They'll say that he's certainly changed, and that he is indeed a gentle, caring man!" Impa retorted, squirting mustard and horseradish on the sandwich.   
Zelda shook her head sadly. "What did he do to you Impa? What did he say? Did he brainwash you?! I bet he did! He gave you some of that black stuff in the bottle that he used on Nabooru, didn't he?"  
"He didn't do anything to me," Impa said calmly, sticking that sandwich into a bag and starting on another one.   
"I don't believe it... I do NOT believe it..." Zelda groaned, clutching her hair.   
"Believe it Zelda, I'm in love, and for once you're NOT the only person in my life I give a crap about."   
Zelda's mouth dropped open and she was silent for a few minutes. Impa made several more sandwiches, and packed them all into bags.   
Finally, Zelda cleared her throat and spoke. "By the way... why are you making all those sandwiches? I only wanted one."  
"Ganondorf and I are going on a picnic lunch," Impa replied.   
Zelda groaned and collapsed into a chair.   
  
  
MONDAY-   
  
"We have GOT to do something about this!" Zelda cried, pounding her gavel on the table. She had called an emergency Sage meeting, and they had all showed up, except for Impa and Rauru, who doesn't like going to that sort of thing. Link was filling Impa's empty chair.   
"I agree!" Link cried. "It's outrageous! The Sage of Shadow... hanging out with that creep!"   
"I still say she's lost her mind!" Ruto said angrily. "We can't have a Sage of Shadow that's balmy! I say we revoke her Sage license!"  
"We don't HAVE Sage licenses," Nabooru calmly reminded her.   
"Oh yeah..." Ruto said, scratching her head.   
"But still! We cannot have one of our own Sages, devoted to all that is good and righteous dating that creature!" Darunia said. "I hate Gerudos!"  
Nabooru scowled.   
"Oh, no offense, Nabooru... just the evil ones!" Darunia said quickly.   
"Better," she snapped.   
"Listen, you guys... My birthday is this Wednesday, and Impa is going to be invited to do the honors of cutting my cake... I don't want her coming if she's going to bring Ganondorf!"   
"You guys..." Saria interrupted. "I know we all hate Ganondorf and all, but Impa has got a point- He has changed."   
"He's too unpredictable," Link argued. "It said in the instruction guide that ANY SECOND after a head injury, it may reverse... the slightest movement or touch could change the Evil-O-Matic's control on his brain. And then we're stuck with an evil sorcerer parading around the castle."   
The Sages all nodded.   
"But..." Saria interrupted again, "Poor Impa! She's never dated in her life, and now she finally finds someone she likes. It would be selfish of us to take him away from her, just because he used to be evil until you got him in the crotch the other day!"  
There were several mumbles of appreciation.  
This statement reminded Zelda of the day before... when Impa had said to her, "Believe it Zelda, I'm in love, and for once you're NOT the only person in my life I give a crap about..."  
Did Impa really think she was that selfish?  
"You know what I think..." Zelda said, Impa's voice still echoing in her head. "I think, that if we could figure out some way to make it so Ganondorf NEVER changed back... then we wouldn't have to worry! Impa could date him, we could all relax, and half the evil forces in the world would be gone."   
"Can we do that, though?" Nabooru asked worriedly.   
"Sure, just take off the helmet!" Zelda said happily.   
"But I thought we WANTED Ganondorf to be evil again!" Ruto said. "Why else in the name of heaven would I EVER have made out with him?"   
"You guys... think about the past few weeks!" Zelda cried. "Link, have you feared for your life even ONCE since Ganondorf's been nice?"  
"Well... no." Link shrugged.  
"Saria, the forest has been peaceful since then. No worry about monsters or anything at all."   
"True," Saria nodded.   
"Darunia! Have your Gorons been afraid of something coming out of the Cavern or the Mountain and eating them?"   
"Not at all!" Darunia told her.   
"Ruto, you got to make out with Link because of him!"   
"Very true..." Ruto smiled smugly.   
"Nabooru, you made PEACE with him!"   
"I... well... I guess so." Nabooru agreed.   
"And me! I haven't laughed so hard in my life!" Zelda giggled. "And Impa's fallen in love with the new Ganondorf. Is it really so bad that his evil side is gone?"   
"NO!" they all cried.   
"The way I see it, we're seeing the REAL Ganondorf. The one uncorrupted by a bad childhood or some guy running over his dog, or something like that." Zelda explained. "Why not let the REAL Ganondorf live the rest of his life in peace? On Wednesday night... The Evil-O-Matic 3000 will be removed, and Ganondorf will be nice for good!"   
"YAY!" the Sages all cheered.   
Zelda began to preach. "That's what I think! No more evil!"  
"YAY!"  
"No more fearing for our lives!"  
"YAY!"  
"No more monsters!"  
"YAY!"  
"No more Evil King!"   
"YAAAAY!"  
"And... NO MORE RUINED BARBECUES!"  
  
An hour after the meeting, Zelda was up in her room writing out the plan for Operation Helmet. She gazed out the window and saw the silhouettes of Impa and Ganondorf kissing up on the roof.   
"Just you wait, Impa!" Zelda said. "On Wednesday, I'm going to give you a birthday present you'll never forget! Only it's MY birthday and not YOURS!"  
  
  
TUESDAY-   
  
The Great Hall was bustling on Tuesday as thousands of caterers and florists and interior decorators swamped the castle, decorating for Zelda's grand birthday banquet the next night. Impa was in charge of decorations, and she was even letting Ganondorf help with the floral arrangements.   
"How is this, my love?" asked Ganondorf sweetly, showing her an arrangement of baby's breath and lilacs.  
"It's beautiful..." Impa said dreamily. "Zelda will absolutely love it!"   
"It's so wonderful to celebrate someone's birthday!" Ganondorf grinned happily.   
"Oh yes, it is..." Impa sighed. But her mind was racing.  
"Finally..." she thought, "At last, I can finally get Zelda that birthday gift she's been whining about all month... Tomorrow, the Evil-O-Matic will turn Ganondorf back to normal, and tomorrow, Zelda's going to get the birthday present she'll never forget!"   
And Ganondorf, completely in the dark about the whole thing, was getting to work on another floral arrangement.   
  
Meanwhile, up in her room, Zelda was calling all the Sages to tell them their part in Operation Helmet.   
"Are you sure this will work, Zelda?" asked Saria nervously. "I still don't know if we should do this."  
"Of course it'll work!" Zelda smiled. "My plan is foolproof! I thought of it when I was watching a movie last night!"   
"So, what do I have to do again?"  
"You're in charge of guarding the podium to make sure that Ganondorf stays there until Darunia and Link are ready, OK?"  
"Got it!" Saria said. "I can't wait..."  
"Yeah, me either..." Zelda smiled smugly, watching Impa and Ganondorf carrying in boxes of flowers as Ganondorf made her a daisy chain.   
  
  
WEDNESDAY- (Evening, the day of the party)  
  
Zelda was all dressed up in her finest for the big birthday banquet by 6:00. And the rest of her comrades in Operation Helmet were there early too, also in their finest, but all prepared for the plan...   
Guests from all over Hyrule were shuffling into the Great Hall and taking their seats. EVERYONE who was ANYONE was there- King Zora and the other Zoras (sans Ruto, who was preparing a "special" party punch), the Gorons (sans Darunia, who was setting up a rope and pulley system), the Gerudo (sans Nabooru, who was helping Link prepare a huge slingshot), and even the Kokiri (sans Saria, who was changing the programs to make room for a long speech by Ganondorf) had all come to celebrate.   
Zelda sat in her seat at the front of the room by a big speech podium. After what seemed like forever, Impa, Ganondorf, the other Sages and Link joined her at the front table of honor.   
She turned to Nabooru and mouthed, "Are we OK?"  
Nabooru winked, and pointed to her watch.   
On three, all six of them synchronized their watches.   
At 6:30 on the dot, the band began to play a lively tune, and Impa walked up to the front podium. "May I have your attention please?" she said.   
Everyone continued mumbling.   
"I said MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?!"   
Everyone shut up.   
"Thank you, and welcome to Princess Zelda's birthday banquet! I am Impa, your host and the Sage of Shadow, and I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate our fair Princess' special day!"  
(Insert applause)   
"We have several activities planned for the night, starting at 7:30, when we will begin the speeches. But until then, I want you all to eat, drink, dance, be merry, and have a good time!"  
(Insert applause)   
  
Drinking, eating, and dancing went on for a while, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Ganondorf led the men in a rousing rendition of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", and Zelda told all the women how she got her hair so shiny.   
Every once and a while, Zelda or Impa would look at their watch nervously and then around at everyone in the room.   
At about 7:16, Impa was picking at her food nervously, silently hoping that after all her hard work, her plan would go as planned. Suddenly, she felt a tap on her shoulder.   
"Impa darling, may I have this dance?" asked Ganondorf suavely.   
"Of course," she giggled, taking him by the hand and heading out onto the floor.  
As the happy couple dance, the rest of the Sages, Zelda and Link all wiped away a little tear.  
"I hope Impa will like our surprise," Ruto said.   
"SSHHH! Don't ruin it, Ruto!" Nabooru hissed.   
  
At last it was 7:30. Everyone returned to their seats, and Impa stood up front at the podium.   
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Zelda will now make her annual birthday speech!" Impa said proudly.   
Zelda stepped up to the podium, took out a lot of notes, and put on her classy glasses again. Then she cleared her throat.   
"My fellow Hylians... thanks for coming, stay in school, don't eat soap, and always, always, always ask your children who they will be with, where they are going, when they are going, and what they will be doing. Thank you."   
Then she sat down again.  
Four Sages and Link clapped ecstatically. Everyone else looked at Zelda confusedly.   
"Um... OK..." Impa said. "And I guess the next speech will be by Ganondorf Dragmire."   
That was the signal to go. Link and the four Sages stood up quickly, and rushed off to perform their duties.   
Ruto passed out large cups of punch to every guest. Secretly though, the punch was laced with a prescription drug used to treat Attention Deficit Disorder, and it would keep the audience hanging on Ganondorf's every word, so they wouldn't pay attention to what was happening around him.  
Saria stood next to Ganondorf with a wine glass and a fork in her hand.  
Darunia, Link and Nabooru sped off to the left side of the stage where a large ice sculpture of a slingshot was set. Darunia placed a rubber band around both ends of it, and Link and Nabooru climbed into the rubber band. Darunia stretched it back, and fired Link and Nabooru up into the rafters above the podium. Then, Darunia raced next to the podium, also grabbing a wine glass and fork.   
Ganondorf blushed, and spoke into the microphone. "Um, hello? Is this thing on? Ah, yes! HELLO EVERYONE! And welcome to our beautiful Princess Zelda's birthday party!"   
There was silence across the room. Ganondorf noticed that almost the entire audience's faces were frozen into looks of sheer terror. No one left, however, as the party punch was starting to take effect.   
Ganondorf looked at all the faces, and then said, "Oh. I know what this is about. You're... you're afraid of me. Because of who I used to be, aren't you? Well first of all, let me tell you: I am a changed man, my good people! I have not committed an evil deed in almost a full month and a half!"  
There was a great collective gasp.   
Zelda watched nervously as Link slipped on a rope harness and Nabooru attached the pulley to the loop. Then they waited for her to give the signal as Nabooru attached the pulley to the ceiling.   
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses to keep Ganondorf going.  
"And you know WHY I have changed? Two reasons... this helmet on my head. The Evil-O-Matic 3000... it has changed who I am! I have an entirely new outlook on life... And the other reason I have changed is... the young lady with the silver hair sitting next to the Princess."  
Impa gasped. But inside, she was smiling. Her plan WAS working!  
"Impa, my darling, I am madly in love with you. You are the fairest creature in the kingdom, both in looks and in soul! Your heart is so pure that you could overlook my hideous past, and love me for who I truly am: The man I have become!"  
Everyone "Awwwww"ed.   
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses again.   
"You are the sun in my life, Impa... and I don't want to spend another minute of my life without you by my side! I want to grow old with you, Impa!"   
Ganondorf pulled a small box out of his pocket, pulled Impa up onstage, and handed her a gorgeous diamond.   
"Impa, will you marry me?"   
Everyone "Awwww"ed again.  
Impa smiled beatifically. A single tear slid down her cheek, and she took the diamond.   
This was it: Zelda signaled to Link and Nabooru. Link jumped down from the rafters, and Nabooru slowly lowered him down over Ganondorf's head, and he reached for the helmet, but was too far to the left. Nabooru struggled to lower him into the right spot.   
This was it: The final part of Impa's plan came now. She pocketed the ring, put a haughty look on her face, and said smugly, "No way in hell."  
Darunia and Saria clinked their wine glasses so hard they broke, and then stared at Impa in shock.   
Everyone gasped, and Ganondorf looked positively stunned. "What... why Impa, what... why not?"  
"Because I hate you," Impa said icily. "I hate you more than acne. You rank just above mud and just below head lice on my list of things I like. You're the ugliest, stupidest, most gullible jerk in the kingdom!"  
Zelda did a double-take. She couldn't BELIEVE what she was hearing.   
"Impaaaa..." Ganondorf wailed. "Impaaa... why?"  
Impa laughed wickedly, and held up her checkbook. "I've stolen your checkbook and I've been bouncing checks all over the place, just waiting for you to figure it out. But you're so stupid and so in love with me, you didn't even notice! And the ONLY reason I even talked to you at all was so I could make Zelda angry and get into the heart of the man I really love: Big Brother Darunia Goron!"   
Ganondorf choked on his own words, and began sputtering like a baby.   
Impa pulled Darunia over to her and gave him a big kiss. He was as stunned as Ganondorf, who was wringing his hands nervously and trying to keep himself from sobbing.   
"And you know what else...?" Impa said quietly and maliciously. "I wish Zelda would have gotten it over with and executed you like she was planning on."Ganondorf broke down into dry, racking sobs, and Link finally got a hold on the helmet. He adjusted his grip, and Nabooru began to pull him up...  
  
Ganondorf was shaking in agony. He burst into tears and started wailing like a two-year-old.   
Impa, quite satisfied with how her plan was going, suddenly noticed Link about to pull the helmet off. Panicking, Impa got right in Ganondorf's face and screamed, "And you know what else, you great blubbering buffoon? I... HATE... SCRABBLE!"   
That did it. Ganondorf choked on his tears. His face turned BRIGHT... bright red, almost as red as his hair, and his eyes widened and his face contorted into a look of absolute, endless, SEETHING HATRED.   
"HURRY UP LINK!" Nabooru shrieked.  
Link pulled as hard as he could on the helmet just as Ganondorf lost it.  
  
Across Hyrule echoed a terrible sound: "YOU MISERABLE, CONNIVING, DOUBLE-CROSSING, BACK-STABBING, GOOD-FOR-NOTHING, STREET HARLOT B*$&%!!!!!!"  
Followed almost immediately by another terrible, terrible sound:   
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
Which was accompanied by a gigantic:  
BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!  
  
The smoke cleared from the room, and everyone was coughing madly.   
"Impa!" Zelda shrieked. "Impa, WHAT was that all about?"  
"My master plan to turn him evil again," Impa explained. "Good grief, you thought I actually was in love with HIM?"   
"Uh..." Ruto stuttered.   
"Wow, great plan Impa!" Saria giggled.  
"You... kissed me!?!?" Darunia gasped.  
"Don't look too much into it," Impa said. "You were the first person I saw."  
Nabooru jumped down from the rafters. "Did it work? Did it work?"  
The smoke cleared from the room, and everyone stood up, gasping.  
Lying on the floor, twitching every couple of seconds with hair and eyebrows singed, was Ganondorf. The Evil-O-Matic lay a few feet away from him, sizzled beyond repair.  
And next to Ganondorf, still wearing a rope harness, twitching every couple of seconds with hair and eyebrows singed, was LINK.  
"Oops..." Impa said, biting her lip. "I guess Link was touching the helmet when it went off..."  
Everyone crowded around the two bodies on the floor, and Impa poked Ganondorf with a stick. "Ganondorf? Ganondorf?"   
His eyes fluttered open, and he blinked a couple times. "Whaaa... what the..."  
"Ganondorf!" Zelda gasped.   
"WHAT IN THE FREAKIN' HELL IS GOING ON? WHY IN THE HELL AM I AT YOUR FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY PARTY, YOU B*%&^Y EXCUSE FOR A PRINCESS? I DON'T OWE YOU NUTHIN' FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY, MISS "Oh, Let's Put Corrective Headgear On Him" ZELDA! IF YOU EVER TRY BULL$&%* LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN, I'LL SLICE YOUR BRAINLESS @$$ INTO FETTUCINE!"   
"He's back!" Impa said, overjoyed.   
"WOOHOO!" Saria cheered.  
"Man, what were we THINKING turning him into a good guy?" Nabooru cried.  
"Yeah, every GOOD story needs a bad guy. Thank heavens Nabooru can't work a rope!" Darunia said.   
"A GOOD GUY?! A GOOD GUY?! YOU DUMB$&^*S WERE GONNA TURN ME INTO A GOOD GUY?!?! LIKE HELL YOU WERE! YOU EVER TRY ANYTHING LIKE THAT AGAIN, AND I'LL GO MEDIEVIL ON YOUR @$$ES!"  
"I'd never thought I'd be so happy to hear such terrible profanity!" Ruto swooned.   
"AND YOU! YOU EVER KISS ME AGAIN AND I WILL FRY YOUR @$$ UP LIKE AN APPETIZER AT RED LOBSTER!"  
Ganondorf panted wildly for a few seconds and then calmed down a bit. "Impa... Tell me the truth though... do you really hate me?"  
"Somewhat," Impa said nonchalantly.   
"Oh... so the kiss thing... never..."  
"When Zora's Domain freezes over," Impa said.  
"That could be arranged..."  
"Uh, NO." Impa said quickly.   
  
::::: MORAL TIME :::::  
  
Ganondorf scowled and crossed his arms. "All this mess because you jerks don't got a sense of humor for me playing a harmless prank!"  
"That's right." Saria nodded. "A sense of humor can help you get through the tough times in your life."  
"And anyone who doesn't have one is very, very, desperately sad." Nabooru agreed.  
"It's a sense of humor that could have avoided this whole thing!" Darunia said.  
"Sometimes it's best to just sit back and laugh at things!" Ruto added.  
"Gee, maybe I was wrong to react that way to your prank..." Zelda said, scratching her head.   
"Yes, maybe we all needed to take a few steps back and have a good laugh." Impa replied.  
"I'm sorry, Ganondorf! I'll never punish anyone cruelly and unusually because I haven't got a sense of humor ever again!" Zelda said, giving him a big hug.  
"It's all right..." Ganondorf said, giving her a big hug. "And from now on, I'll be more sensitive to the feelings of others when I play pranks."  
  
::::: END OF MORAL TIME :::::  
  
Ganondorf pushed Zelda away quickly. "Ugh, yuck, I got cooties..."  
Then he turned to Impa. "How about it Impa... you wanna hug and make up?"  
"No." Impa said quickly.  
"Aww..." Ganondorf sighed. "By the way! I never got to tell you what I wanted to tell you before I got hit in the Mommy/Daddy Button!"  
"You wanted to tell us something, Ganondorf?" asked Nabooru. "What was it?"  
"That Rauru is the chairman and CEO of Cranky Old Geezer Monthly Magazine AND of Senile Old Clod Catalogue of General Youth-Deterring Products!" Ganondorf announced.  
"WHAT?! Wow, really?" gasped Saria.  
"That's right!" Ganondorf said. "And HE is the one who sold you the defective Evil-O-Matic!"  
"WHAAT?!" Zelda gasped. "It was defective? How do you know?"   
"Easy," Ganondorf said. "I ordered one myself the first night after you put it on me, and I took it apart to see how it worked so I could maybe figure out how to get it off. I noticed that the one I was wearing was missing a small part that goes here:" He pointed to the main electrical shock components near the spinny thing on top. "The 'doohickey' I believe it was called. Or a 'thingamabob'."  
"Aaah," everyone nodded appreciatively.  
"I read the instruction manual some more, and it said that the 'doohickey' or 'thingamabob' was used to control the amount of electricity that the machine was allowed to put out when it's on a high setting. But since mine didn't have one, when I yelled the F-word it zapped me with a potentially deadly amount of electricity, thereby creating the 'Goody-Two-Shoes Effect' and turning me into a disgustingly mild-mannered idiot for a month and a half." Ganondorf finished.  
"Why didn't you tell us?" Impa cried. "We could have avoided the whole incident!"  
"I thought about how Rauru was probably trying to set me up for disaster, and the stupid helmet didn't like that thought, so it forced me to throw the other Evil-O-Matic out of the window into the moat. You never would have believed me!"  
"So is THAT why you could tie me to the bed without getting punished? It was defective?" asked Impa.  
"I guess so," Ganondorf shrugged.  
"Rauru! He set us up!" Zelda growled. "We have to get him for that..."  
"But how..." Nabooru pondered.   
  
The group sat in silence for a while. Suddenly, there were signs of stirring from Link.  
"He's getting up!" Ruto gasped. "Linky-Poo! Linky-Poo! Are you all right?"  
"Oh my goodness!" Link said groggily. "Whatever happened? I suddenly don't feel quite right at all... perhaps a few too many crumpets... Oh dear, oh dear... Ah! Ruto, my good woman! I do believe I did not fulfill my promise to you the other day... I interrupted my payback for your favor... My wrongs must be righted!"   
He then grabbed Ruto and gave her a big... LONG kiss. Ruto was blissful.  
Everyone else was sickened.  
"Oh no... Link was touching the helmet, now he's..." Saria groaned.  
"Wait! I've got an idea..." Ganondorf snickered in his usual (wicked) manner.  
  
  
EPILOGUE: CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 2!  
  
"And so, I hereby pardon Ganondorf Dragmire of any and all crimes committed on the date of June 24th, the day of my inauguration party," Zelda said, signing another official pardon.  
Ganondorf took the paper proudly, bowed to Zelda, and then sat down at the prosecution bench of the Room of Judgement.  
"I now call to the stand Rauru the Sage of Light," Zelda said.   
Darunia and Impa dragged Rauru in, kicking and screaming.  
"Rauru!" Zelda snapped, eyeing the Sages in the jury box, "You are hereby charged with false imprisonment of Ganondorf Dragmire, and of setting us up for a month and a half of absolute HELL. What have you got to say for yourself?"  
"HE DESERVED IT!" Rauru screamed. "YOU DESERVED IT! You cocky young ingrates, leaving me to handle all the crap in the Sacred Realm that YOU should be doing! And making so much noise I can't even sleep! You all deserved it! I'm GLAD he turned nice for a while! Teach all you stupid morons to uphold responsibility! Sages should not be allowed to leave the Realm! It's the old way, and that's how it should stay!"  
"Mr. Rauru, I realize it is very rare for a judge to editorialize like this, but I think you're a worn-out senile creepy old fart who needs to get with it." Zelda said.  
Nabooru, the lead juror stood up. "Your honor, the jury feels we don't need to hear anymore from the defendant. We declare him guilty on all counts."  
"WHAT!? But I don't even have a lawyer! You can't throw me in jail unless I have a lawyer to make it a fair fight!"  
"Mr. Rauru, PLEASE. Where do you think we are, the United STATES?" Zelda chuckled.  
"And you can't throw me in jail! You're not a jailer!"  
"Not THIS again..." Impa groaned.  
"I AM the jailer Rauru, and I'm also the executioner, the judge, the princess, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker AND the interior decorator. Now get your hairy old butt back to the Sacred Realm for your punishment."  
"What... what's my punishment?" asked Rauru worriedly.  
"Oh, nothing TOO bad," Ganondorf said, placing an Evil-O-Matic on Rauru's head.  
"WHAT!?" Rauru shrieked. "NO! NOT THAT!"  
Then Ganondorf removed the "doohickey"/"thingamabob" from the top of the helmet. "Have a good time with your new friend!"   
"What... what new friend?"  
"Rauru, I sentence you to four months in the Sacred Realm with a defective Evil-O-Matic and with the monster you and your defective helmets have created!" Zelda cried, snapping her fingers.  
Link jumped out from behind the judge's podium, wearing a brightly colored apron, carrying a vacuum cleaner, and carrying a bunch of very sophisticated classic works of literature. "Why hello there, roommate! I do say, we'll have a splendid time in our four months together! The dear princess has assured me if I stay with you for these four months, they'll fix my brain! But we'll have such a jolly good time! Do you like Scrabble?"  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rauru shrieked in terror. "NO, ANYTHING BUT THAT!"  
Ganondorf smiled blissfully, and turned to Impa next to him. "Ain't democracy FUN?"  
"It certainly is, Ganondorf. It certainly is..."  
"Wanna date next Friday?"  
"No."  
"Aww..."  
  
:::::: THE END :::::: 


End file.
